Project continued

Project 365 is hard! Here's what I've posted for December so far. Unfortunately, there are lots of holes. I'll try to do better next month.

December photos

Watering hole redux

I haven't been to the watering hole in ages. I finally went back tonight so that I can get back into my Tuesday night habit. The best news? I reluctantly tried the queso and it was good! It wasn't the old recipe, but it was very good and the chips were better than before. Looks like I have something to look forward to again!

My sexy name

I know it's kinda lame, but I couldn't resist.

Get Your Sexy Name

Happy Holidays!

So, I decided to take Brett up on his offer to keep our holiday plans. Why should my holidays suck because he's unsure of what he wants? I didn't have him go to my parents' Christmas party. I figured that would require too many explanations in a couple of weeks. Aside from that, everything is still on. We're going to midnight Mass tomorrow night (his idea, surprisingly), he will be cooking breakfast Christmas morning (my idea -- I hope it's good!), we'll exchange gifts, we'll go out on New Year's Eve, and then we'll go to the Laser Spectacular Featuring the Music of Pink Floyd the first week in January. I think we'll probably go out for steak with the gift certificate his mother sent sometime in the next two weeks.

And after that? I don't know. He says he wants to continue dating, just more casually than we have been. I still don't know if that's true or if he just doesn't want to be the bad guy. I also don't know if that's what I want. I've never been good at casual dating. I think I would need to be seeing other people in order to keep from being too serious about Brett, but it's not like I have a lot of (acceptable) prospects. It's certain that sex is out. That's only part of a serious relationship for me.

Sometimes I think it would work just talking on the phone a few times a week and seeing each other less than that. Sometimes I think it's impossible to go backwards. Sometimes I think we could just be friends, but then I realize I would (will) be so jealous if (when) he finds a girl he wants to commit to.

I don't know. What I do know is that I'm going to enjoy these next two weeks. He's being his usual sweet self, so I feel confident that I've made the right choice. It's not like I'm dragging out a miserable break-up. It's more like our relationship is a terminal cancer patient who decided to live it up before the end. Wait, that's too morbid. How about this? It's like our relationship is a person who got a fantastic offer for a job in a new city and decided to paint his hometown red before the move.

Yesterday's news

Some random thoughts and commentary about yesterday's news:

1. I don't know if I can trust what Brett says. He feels inordinate guilt about so many things. When he says he wants to keep our plans for Christmas and after, I don't know if he really means that or if he's just saying that because he feels bad.

2. This whole thing started two weeks ago. I thought it was settled, but apparently it was not. That kind of makes me mad. At that time, I asked him if he wanted to dial things back a notch. He said he didn't know how to do that. We decided to keep things as they are. Yesterday he said, you guessed it, he wants to dial things back a notch.

3. I haven't decided if I still want to exchange Christmas gifts. What I got him is easily returnable. I want to know what he got me. So, curiosity might decide that one for me. But I gave considerable thought to his gift. If he got me crap, I'm going to be pissed!

4. I wish I could get back the $40 I just spent over the weekend filling my contraception prescription.

5. I really want to be with him the way things were. That's why I'm not letting myself make any decisions just yet. I'm prone to forsake common sense for emotions, and I think that would be a mistake.

6. The "I don't want a serious relationship, but I want to be with you" thing is the same thing I got from Brian. I carried on with him for a year. I've always had in the back of my mind that things with Brett would turn out the same way because we started out with the same kind of intensity. It is different in that Brett is a kinder person than Brian, he has been more honest about his feelings, and we've had more of a real relationship in these three months. I don't know if those differences are enough to make the outcome any different.

7. I cared a lot about Brian, but I didn't love him. I love Brett. I know it.

8. What if I were to get back together with him and he decides in a couple of months that he doesn't want to be with me at all? He says he loves me, but he's not "head over heels." Yesterday's letter said "something feels amiss" and he has a "nagging feeling." At what point would we know that that is not going to change?

9. Not wanting to be serious yet is one thing. Not knowing if I'm whom he wants to get serious with is something else entirely. I think after three months he would know. I think you either feel it or you don't.

10. I was looking forward to our developing a good sex life. We had some stumbles and I was hopeful that we would overcome them.

11. It was all I could do not to call him last night and ask him to come over. He called tonight in response to the message I left him on my myspace page. He asked a couple of times to see me tonight. I said no. I'm proud of myself for that.

12. Chicken-fried chicken is not as good as chicken-fried steak.

13. The problems we are having are in his head. I was fine with the way things were. The only thing we lacked was the girlfriend/boyfriend label and I didn't need that. Not yet, anyway. He wrote, "I'm not able to be what I should be at this time." I don't know what he "should be." I was fine with what he was.

14. I told him that I will call him tomorrow night. What the heck am I going to say?

It's over!

School is finally done! I took two paralegal classes this semester and ended up hating it. The classes are super easy. The homework is mostly busy work, e.g., copy page 319, write one sentence about each of the subdivisions in Chapter 4, write the definitions of 20 bold terms from each chapter. The final exam in my Introduction to Paralegalism class was this: "Open your book to Chapter 5. Flip through the chapter and write no more than 3 sentences on the one thing you think is the boldest statement in that chapter."

I had three major projects which I think gave me the clearest picture of the nature of the profession. The first two were to do case briefs on any case of our choosing. The third was to do an interoffice memo on one of the issues from the case we briefed. These weren't too hard to do. I just know that I don't enjoy research and writing. Ironically I am good at both, I just hate hate hate them. I can't imagine spending more than 40 (probably more than 60) hours per week doing research and writing it up.

So, I'm done with the paralegal studies. I'm proud of myself for continuing to be diligent in my studies even after I decided I wasn't going to pursue it. For some reason, it was still important to me to get As in the classes. Who knows? Maybe I'll get hit on the head and decide to start again.

Movie Saturday

Brett (no one will object if I use his real name from now on, right?) and I saw two movies yesterday.

Thumbs up: For Your Consideration
This was the first Christopher Guest movie I've seen, though I've been interested in the last few he's done. The ensemble was on several Sunday news/entertainment shows last weekend. They are all great actors, and the movie was hilarious.

Thumbs halfway: Syriana
I didn't hate this movie, but I didn't love it either. It was very well acted and the story was good, but it seemed overly complex. I did like the fact that the writers didn't neatly tie up the various plot lines; they let the viewers use their brains. I know that sounds contradictory. I guess I wanted to have to think, but not that much.

The search for the perfect queso

Apparently, the proprietors of my favorite watering hole have never heard the phrase, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." They've hired a new chef and fancied up the menu. Instead of a basic BLT, there's now the avocado BLT. Instead of nachos -- a pile of tortilla chips smothered in cheese, tomatoes and onions -- there are tostado nachos: three tortilla strips covered in I don't know what because I refuse to order them.

The place has always had a specials board with "fancier" options which I've heard were quite good. Chet's favorite was the cumin-crusted catfish. Oh, he never ordered it. He just liked giving it an alternate pronunciation by moving that hyphen forward two letters. Anyway, word at the bar is that the new chef is trying to make a name for himself. That's all fine and good, but I think he should remember he's at a neighborhood pub. Most patrons are there for alcohol and fat. Perhaps with a side order of cholesterol.

The worst of it is, to my great dismay, they've changed the recipe for what was once the best queso I've ever had. Now it's spicy, but not flavorful, and it comes topped with pico de gallo. Murder for those of us who are avoiding tomatoes.

So, Tuesday I began my quest for the perfect queso. Place #1 was Gloria's. Queso here is good, and the margaritas are super cheap and good. Place #2, which I have visited once and will have to try again soon, is Margarita Ranch. Queso here is great, and the margaritas are good, but not cheap.

I haven't found a store version that is a good enough substitute. The one time I made some at home, it was awful. I'll have to find another recipe. But until then, I'll continue my mission in fine drinking establishments in the area.

He said it

Last night on the phone, Chet told me he loves me. It's official. He mentioned it on Tuesday while we were out drinking, but he said it in the middle of a conversation about how it's been on the tip of his tongue, but he was afraid it was too soon to say it. He almost said it Friday morning, but chickened out. It was, "I love. Oops." Nut.

We were talking on the phone Friday night, and he said, "I love you." I waited a beat, then gasped and said, "You aren't going to say 'Oops'?" He said, "I told you on Tuesday, but you forgot." I said, "I didn't forget. You said it in mid-conversation so that didn't really count." And then, of course, I said, "I love you, too, [Chet]."

Thanksgiving kitty

I made a new addition to the family yesterday. One of the professors at work was giving away kittens, and I decided that Marica needs a pal. Marica isn't so sure that it's a good idea yet, but I'm sure she'll come around.

Say hello to Sophie.

Week 2

Next set of Project 365 pics are up.

Which tarot card are you?

I saw this on Lass's page. My result had so many references to rebirth and moving on I thought it was kind of freaky.

You are Judgment Happiness, Content, Joy. Judgment is related to the Hebrew letter Shin, which is fiery and spiritual. A break from the past, going forward. With Fire as its ruling element, Judgment is about rebirth or ressurection. The idea of Judgment Day is that the dead rise, their sins are forgiven, and they move onto heaven. The Judgment card is similar: it asks the resurrected to summon the past, forgive it, and let it go. There are wounds from the past that we never let heal, sins we've committed that we refuse to forgive, bad habits we haven't the courage to lose. Judgment advises us to finally face these, recognize that the past is past, and put them to rest, absolutely and irrevocably. This is also a card of healing, quite literally from an accident or illness, as well as a card signaling great transformation, renewal, change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Safe

Okay, I didn't get dumped. Chet called the next morning like nothing happened. We talked about it some last night. I told him that I was worried that he was going to dump me because of that issue. He said that he's not concerned about it. Tonight he said that there's nothing from my past that would make him stop seeing me, unless I used to be a guy. Whew!

Heaven help me

For the first time, I'm honestly afraid Chet is going to dump me. I had to tell him something about my past that I was dreading telling him. It came up in conversation and he asked me directly. I couldn't lie. I have already evaded the truth twice before using my own personal technicalities. Because he asked directly, the use of technicalities was out, but he also discovered said technicalities. He said, "So you distinguished between x and y?" which means he might think I lied.

I asked him how bothered he was by the thing. He didn't really answer. He said he doesn't know why people do that, but everyone seems to. I told him that wasn't really an answer, but I didn't want to press it. I suspect he'll have to mull it over. I'm sure he's disappointed.

I'm scared. I'm replaying this in my head, and I don't think it could have gone any other way. Well, actually I could have told him about it at the beginning when the topic first came up. Then I wouldn't have so much invested. But at that time, I thought it was too soon to share something so personal. A catch-22.

I just know that I couldn't have lied to him. That wouldn't be right. I wonder what he's going to do.

Project 365

My first entries in my Project 365 are up. This has turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. At this point, I'm still trying to come up with something relatively meaningful for each day, but as you'll see I don't always succeed. Something tells me that a few months into this and there will be shots of my feet, the television, or carpet lint just to make the quota.

Anyway, follow my progress here.

Happy Birthday to me!

Yay, I'm 34 today! I don't feel any different. I like birthdays, though, because it means PRESENTS! This is the only day I get to be totally selfish and it's condoned. I like getting Christmas presents, but for the most part I've given as well as (or better than) I've gotten. (Do not lecture me on the joys of giving. I know, I know, it is better to give than to receive, but it's my birthday. Cut me some slack!) I'm neither a mother nor a father, so those days are out. I'm neither a boss nor an administrative professional, so those days are out, too. Valentine's Day? What's that?

So, to repeat, in case you missed it: Today is my birthday and I hope to get lots of good stuff! Ooh, the phone is ringing. Let the birthday wishes begin!

I'm not dead

I'm alive. I swear. I've just been incredibly busy and bushed all at once.

School is so draining. I don't remember it being this way when I was in library school. Maybe I'm getting old. I can't imagine doing this five more times (12 classes ÷ 2 classes per semester = 6 semesters), but I'm not ready to give up yet. Hopefully, it will get better. I do remember hating my first library course. If I hadn't enjoyed the second, I would have quit.

I've been spending a lot of time with Chet. It's so odd not to be able to recall exactly what day we spent together and where we went when. I'm not able to keep up with it all, which is a good thing. It's just not typical of my former tally-keeping behavior.

We're getting close to the L-word. Monday night and Tuesday morning he told me that he's falling in love with me. Now he frequently says or writes to me, "I heart you." I didn't say it back at first, but now I do. Here's something I want to commit to memory just in case: When we were watching American Beauty on Sunday night (didn't I just say I can't keep up with what happened when? Hmph.), we were sitting on the couch holding hands and it just came to me, "I love him." I have no idea why. There was nothing significant happening in the movie; it just popped in my head. At any rate, I'm not going to be the one to say it first. I can wait for him. Seems like we're in sync though, since his revelation came the next day.

So my initial point was: posts have been few and far between, I owe emails to friends, and I've been neglecting my watering-hole. I'm going to try to get better. Right after I take a nap.

Strangely silent

I haven't blogged in a while, and I'm not sure why. I think I got into a habit of blogging about crises, and thankfully I'm not having any with Chet. Things are going extremely well. We have been seeing each other about 3 times a week since the start. It's fantastic.

Do you know what he said to me on Monday? "Tomorrow's our anniversary." I know!! What guy remembers that kind of stuff? He is so sweet. On Tuesday he sent me a sweet email saying happy anniversary and how glad he is that we met.

The best part of our relationship is the ease with which it is proceeding. I'm not all panicky and worried. Sure, there's the chance it could tank. But for some reason, I'm not really concerned. I'm able to enjoy this for what we have now.

He says he wants to stay single until after the first of the year. Yet he says he knows he's not really single. He's not interested in seeing anyone else and wouldn't feel right dating other people. I'm not even freaked out by that. I know that it will work itself out. Either he'll decide he wants a girlfriend, and I'm it; he'll decide he wants a girlfriend, and I'm not it; he'll decide he doesn't want a girlfriend; I'll decide I don't want him for a boyfriend; or I'll get tired of waiting for him to decide. I'm amazed at myself that I'm not anxious about the outcome.

I have no idea where this "whatever happens, happens" attitude has come from, but I'm loving it. Everything is so easy. I'm not afraid to call him. I'm not a wreck if he hasn't called. (Okay, I was a wreck once when he didn't email me his standard good morning message. Turns out there was a glitch somewhere. I got the message about an hour after he sent it.) I'm not jealous if he goes out without me. This is most relaxed and best relationship I've been in.

Try a little tenderness

Chet is very expressive. It's quite different for me to be with a guy who is so open with his feelings. It's nice, though. Here's a catalog of the sweet things he's written to me over the last three weeks. You may need to see a dentist after reading it.

9/10
You seem interesting.
9/13
You're cute. I enjoy your messages.
9/13
I'm fading. But it's worth it to talk to you.
9/13
You're beautiful.
9/14
Great to meet you. You're twice as cute as your pictures.
9/19
I wish I didn't have to wait till Friday for that kiss, my lips are kinda lonely.
9/19
I have the feeling I'm really going to fall for you, I'm warning you in advance.
9/19
That was I think the best kiss I've ever had. I'm quite enamored.
9/20
I still think you're beautiful. Just wanted you to know that under the influence of caffeine and not beer, I still have the same opinion.
9/23
Psst...you're cute.
9/27
Good luck on your test, dear. Looking forward to seeing you.
9/27
You're a great kisser. And very sexy.
9/28
I miss you. You're kind of captivating, you know?
9/28
You know what? I like you a lot.
9/28
I miss you, my friend. I really had a blast last night.
9/29
I miss you, btw. I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.
9/29
Did I tell you yet today that I have a very good feeling about you? :-)
9/29
I was thinking of you so I'm sending you this message.
9/29
Maybe we can hang out after you get off work tomorrow too because as uncool as it is to say...um, er, ahem, I miss seeing you. I'm a lucky guy.
9/29
I'm pretty smitten myself.
10/1
You're quite fetching.
10/1
I feel like a schmuck for always calling & messaging you, but to tell you the truth I'm thinking of you much of the time - so I can't help it! ... you're something else. Just watching a movie, I'm very comfortable around you, love your head on my shoulder, just enjoy being with you. I don't have the advantage of a blog but if I did...I'd be writing these things. You're a marvelous girl. I'll shut up now - it's getting sappy in here.
10/2
You're a doll, how are you single?
10/3
Hi Sweetie, You looked gorgeous last night, you know that?
10/3
I really like you & you are really growing on me and that was so not part of my master plan! Why do you have to be so darned great to be around?
10/3
I miss you, sweetie. I can't wait to see you.
10/4
I love spending time with you and I think you're extraordinarily sweet.
10/4
I miss you.
10/4
You're cute. You want to make out this weekend?
10/4
Ok. I really do miss you. What are you doing to me?
10/6
You're sweet.
10/6
Still miss you.
10/6
You're the cutest gal I know.

*Huge sigh of contentment* Chet is so great.

Mission Accomplished

Yep, that's right. The moment we've all been waiting for. I, Samsara, had successful, good sex last night, ending a 2-year, 7-month, 2-week, 4-day dry spell. Not that I was keeping track or anything.

So, Chet and I went out for drinks with his good friend. We ended the night early because he said he was tired. He said he'd call me when he got home. We talked on the phone for a while, and I was trying to explain to him this feeling I had. The best adjective I could come up with was "unfulfilled." Usually when we're together I have a good time with him, we may kiss and get a little worked up, but once it's over, things are fine and I can go home or he can go, whatever. But last night I felt like I didn't get enough of him. He just cut to the chase. "You're horny," he said. Oh? Is that what that is? I honestly didn't know. We continued to talk and at one point I sighed. Apparently it was a sexy one, though I really wasn't trying anything. He said, "Listen to you! Okay, I'm coming over. Let me hop in the shower and I'll be right there." He was here in less than 20 minutes. Lol.

Hijinks ensued, and now I'm a woman. How was it? Wonderful, especially for a first time. Remember when I got giddy in the "Planning and Protection" aisle? It happened again when we were in mid-action. He probably thinks I'm a nut, but I was so happy to be doing it, and enjoying it, with a great guy. I imagine that it will get even better.

I really like being with him. This is the third time he has spent the night with me. Sleeping with him is so nice. It's hard to believe how comfortable I am with him. How has it only been 3 weeks since we started corresponding? He called me a hussy as he left this morning. That's me! And I love it.

Happy Birthday, Stevie

October 3, 1954 - August 27, 1990

Operation GL is go!

Lass and I recently embarked on Operation Get Laid. After the fiasco with Etch, it felt like I had awakened a sleeping giant. I thought I was going to explode.

Well, I think I'm about to declare "Mission Accomplished." Chet and I are getting pretty close. I'm done with the arbitrary setting of dates for when it's okay to do it. I was tossing dates around in my head: 6 weeks, after we're exclusive, on his birthday, on my birthday. Forget all that. I'm just going to let it happen naturally. The one thing I learned from the fiasco and the comments I received on the post about it, is Never Plan.

Chet and I had a great time messing around last night. He did something to me that I've never had done before, and it was spectacular! I never in a million years would have thought I would enjoy something like that. But, wow! I was astounded. I may have even woken the neighbors.

We talked during and after the make-out session, and it's clear that the "act" will be coming soon (no pun intended). We're not exclusive, it hasn't been 6 months, but who cares? We both want it. We feel deeply about each other. I know he's not going to disappear afterwards. I know he knows that I take this seriously and don't sleep around. Those things are more important.

Make yourself a t-shirt

DYO Apparel

I ordered a custom t-shirt from these folks and I'm so impressed with it. I highly recommend them. The prices are good. The printing is great. It's not all shiny and homemade-looking like some screen printing. I ordered the shirt Tuesday night and received it in Friday's mail. They offer express shipping, but why bother? Standard shipping is free.

So, get over there and create that shirt you've always wanted!

Trying to tell me something

I asked my sister Angela for some advice last week, and then the same topic came up in one of the advice columns I read. Maybe it'll actually sink in.

The thing is that I'm so afraid of messing things up. Now it's with Chet, but I had the same problem with Etch. (I realized recently that they have the same letters in their noms-de-blog. I should have worked harder on Chet's.) It's not so much that I don't want to be alone or that I have to spend the rest of my life with him. I am fully confident that if things go wrong, I will be fine and I will move on. I just don't want it to be because of something I did wrong. I don't want to have to look back in regret. This is a horrible feeling.

Angela told me I was being silly. As long as I'm myself and true to what I'm feeling, it will be fine. I asked her if I should be making myself less available to Chet. I asked if there was such a thing as seeing too much of each other. She said, and I quote, "That's stupid." So blunt, and just what I needed to hear. Any contrived response, like pretending to have plans or something, is just manipulation. I should just do what I feel is right.

Here's what Carolyn Hax had to say in her weekly chat:

Anywhere: I recently began seeing someone I really like after a dating hiatus (and before that, a long relationship). It's been so long since I've dated anyone that I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm nervous! How do I relax so I don't psych myself out and ruin a good thing?
Carolyn Hax: If it's a good thing, being yourself can't ruin it.

I'm done worrying. For real this time. I don't want it to suck the fun out of what I have with Chet. And believe me, I am as sick of writing about this as you are of reading it!

Match update #2

I am so thankful that Lass hasn't tried to kill me for having the brilliant idea of joining Match. It has pretty well sucked for both of us.

Although it has slowed considerably, I'm continuing to get winks and emails here and there, but they've all been losers so far. I was supposed to have a date on Thursday with a guy I was only mildly interested in. Thankfully he had to cancel at the last minute.

I can't believe I'm only at Day 16 of 30 in month one. Chet is my top priority right now, yet I don't want to let my adherence to the guarantee policy lapse in case things don't work out down the line. That means next month I'm going to have to find 5 more guys to whom to write. As far as I know, there's no monitoring of the messages, so I could just write to some random guys and say, "Hi. I'm not interested in you. Enjoy your day." But then they'd probably report me as a concern, so I'd better rethink that.

Sit down, Dampier

I DO NOT want to be the rebound girl. But how on earth do you know? Chet broke up with his girlfriend in April. He said I'm the first girl he's been out with since. That means I'm the rebound girl, doesn't it? Damn.

I think I am afraid because 1) I'm a worrier and I have to find something wrong and 2) he's so intensely into me. I don't doubt his feelings, but I know it can't last. I don't know what to do. I'd like to cool it down some, but I don't know how. I enjoy all the attention, but in the back of mind I know a flame can't burn this intensely for an extended period of time. Perhaps it will only cool and not die out completely.

The best I can do is just enjoy it for what it is now. I just don't want to look back on it and think I could have done something differently. Of course, that's only an issue if things go badly. It is possible that it won't. I'm just afraid, and for those of you who have been reading for any length of time, you know that's nothing new.

Back on His good side

I went to Confession today. It's been a long time, about 4 months. I had been avoiding it because I knew I was actively pursuing 'getting some.' I knew I couldn't honestly say the part of the Act of Contrition that says "I firmly resolve to avoid the near occasion of sin." Hell, I was actively pursuing the "near occasion of sin!"

I met with Father Philip a couple of weeks ago to discuss what I should do. I really like him. He is one of the people I had in mind when I wrote "Good priests" in the Heroes section of my myspace page. Anyway, he reminded me that the full line in the prayer says "I firmly resolve, with the help of [God's] grace, ..." He said I should go to confession seeking God's grace to avoid the sin. I should look at it as going there to get help, not going to say, "I did this thing, but now I'm perfect."

Now, I get to receive communion again. That is going to be so nice. I wouldn't receive if there was a chance I'd be 'doing it' anytime soon. Father Philip said as long as I'm not actively planning to commit the sin, I can receive. So since it'll be at least a few months before I'm even considering it, I think it's okay.

You get what you don't pay for

I had a fantastic date last night! I met "Chet" on myspace of all places. Nevermind that I just shelled out almost $100 for Match. Leave it to me to meet a great guy on the free site where I just threw a page up for the heck of it.

Chet wrote me a short email on Sunday saying he thought I was interesting. I wrote back a funny message referring to his profile photo, and email hi-jinks ensued. He is so funny! We have the same sense of humor. Lass calls him my mirror. We live about 5 minutes away from each other and frequent the same venues, yet we've never run into each other.

We went to my watering hole (where he knows a ton of people, by the way) and had a couple of beers. I was afraid the online chemistry wouldn't translate to in-person chemistry, but it totally did. We had a great conversation. We played music on the jukebox. He asked if I'd like to go out to dinner with him, and I said I'd love to. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car. He hugged me and then went in for a kiss. It was a very nice one. Not too much and not not-enough. I especially liked the way he just went for it. No timidity; it was very manly. I can't wait to see him again.

Two thoughts on Match dating

The good thing about going on a bunch of first dates is that I only need one cute outfit. With Etch I was just about to the point where I was going to have to start repeating or go shopping.

I've got to think of some first date activity besides going out to eat. If not, I'm going to be a whale at the end of the six months. A movie is okay, but we don't really get to talk. And I'll be too self-conscious for something like bowling or miniature golf. Maybe a walk around the lake. Any ideas?

Match Update #1

Match has turned out to be a lot of fun. I've gotten some (unintentionally) hilarious emails and winks from people with (unintentionally) hilarious profiles. Then there was the guy who I wanted to run over with my car. He had atrocious spelling: he said he frequently shops at Victory Secrete. He also said he only dates black women because as the saying goes "Once you try black, you never go back." Now, c'mon. Sure we've all heard the phrase and some of us have even said it, but would you really put in on your dating profile and think black women would find it charming? Puh-leeze.

I've met one guy in person. Let's call him 'Hogan.' We met at a restaurant, had drinks and chips, then went to my watering hole and had more drinks. Sunday we chatted online for a bit and he asked me to come over and watch the game. It was an okay time. Hogan is a nice guy, and we have an awesome amount of stuff in common. But, ultimately, there was no spark. We kissed a couple of times, but ... meh. I think we can be friends if he's up for it. We'll see.

So, that's it for now. Pardon me while I jump back into the dating pool.

Get back on the horse

Okay, so it's over with Etch and that's disappointing. But I really liked having a companion (how old do I sound?), so I'm refusing to give up. Over the weekend, I wrote to some guys on Craigslist and had a date. And now I'm going to sign up for Match. Lass and I have decided to do the 6-month program because there's a guarantee that if we "don't find someone special" in those 6 months, they'll give us another 6 months for free. Let's hope it works!

Calling it quits

"Even though I know,
I don't want to know.
Yeah, I guess I know,
I just hate how it sounds."

That's from "One Thing" by Finger Eleven, and I'm taking it out of context, but it describes how I feel about my relationship with Etch. It's over. I know, I know. It's so horrible.

This past weekend was the third in a row that I haven't seen him. I should be so over keeping a tally of how much time we spend together, but I'm not. At any rate, I just don't see enough of him. We have averaged about twice a month. That's insane.

I already talked to him about how I needed to see more of him. He tried to do better I think. We went on a date, he came out to meet my friend Kevin, we took a mini road trip. It just didn't last. I said something again this past Sunday. My original plan was just to end it that day, but when the phone rang, my courage flew out the window. We talked again about how I want to see more of him, he said he'd do better, said he does miss me, but really had no good explanation as to why we don't see more of each other. He has been spending weekend nights with his family (and yes, I'm sure he's not lying). I know they are going through a rough patch, but damn. I asked why we sometimes spend hours on the phone when we could be together. He had no clear answer.

Immediately after the call, I felt better. Then I felt stupid. First, I think I sounded like I'm depending on him to entertain me or make me happy. That is not the case. I can go and do things, see other people, stay home and read, whatever. It's just that I like him and enjoy his company and want to see him. I don't think I made that clear to him. Second, why the hell am I having to ask a guy to make time for me? What the hell is that about? He either wants to or he doesn't.

So, I'm going to have to end it after all. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I had a whole speech prepared before, but it's not appropriate now. And my speeches never come out as I plan -- because I script the other person's responses and I'm not psychic. We're supposed to go to see fireworks on Sunday, so I'll probably do it after that.

Equal time

I figure if I complain about them, I have to tell when they do something good.

On Friday I went to my sister's house to say goodbye to my niece and nephew who were leaving for college on Saturday. During the visit, my sister and her husband whispered to each other and then left the house. When they came back, her husband handed me $100!

Can you believe it? Sure it's only a drop in the bucket of debt they owe me, but it's the thought that counts. I was totally impressed.

Things come to those who wait

That's right. Just "things." Not "good things," just things.

Friends, it was awful. I hope Etch never discovers this blog because he would kill me for telling, but that was the most disappointing sexual experience ever. Tuesday night was bad, and I thought it was just because I had built up the whole experience in my head so much and for so long. But then we tried again Wednesday morning, and it was all I could do not to cry. I'm serious, here. I was literally holding back tears. (God, please don't ever let him read this. Thanks. Love, Samsara.)

You want to know what went wrong, don't you? Both episodes lasted no more than 5 minutes. Guess what? I mean 5 minutes TOTAL. Each one was 2 minutes tops. I swear to you that I am not exaggerating. Not to be too graphic -- okay, yes I'm going to be graphic; kids, turn your heads -- there were maybe 8 thrusts the first time and 4 or 5 the second time. Not even "rhythmic" ones. He was trying so hard not to "finish" that he never even established a "groove," if you know what I mean.

You all know that I'm a conspiracy theorist at heart, so my first thought was that he did it on purpose because he really didn't want to do it with me and I kind of sprang it on him. But Wednesday morning was all him. We were making out on the couch, and I asked if we could try again. He said he didn't think he could do any better than the night before, so I said okay and told him I wouldn't push it (hee). But a few minutes later he was walking into the bedroom and told me to come with him. Then he asked where the condoms were. So he must have wanted to, right? He apologized profusely, said he was embarrassed, seemed to feel really bad about it. No self-respecting guy would do that to himself, right?

Anyway, I have no idea what to do now. Of course I still like him a whole lot. We spent the whole day together Wednesday on a mini road trip. And the making out is wonderful, but I need more than that. At this point, I'm not going to bring it up again. We talked about it enough, I think. He said it doesn't happen that way all the time. The only explanation he could give is that (graphic ->) I'm "just so soft and slippery" down there. Maybe if we didn't spend so much time on foreplay? I don't know.

My only plan now is to wait and see if we he wants to make another attempt. I think I'll just collapse if it's this bad again. I couldn't have a long-term relationship like this. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Girl, you'll be a woman soon

If everything goes according to plan, tonight is the night. That's right. I'm going to do it with Etch tonight. I know I was supposed to wait six months, but I can't wait anymore. Three months isn't so bad, is it?

I went to buy condoms this morning, and I was giddy in the "Planning & Protection" aisle. It was funny! Thankfully no one was around.

I'm so nervous! I hope it all goes well. Wish me luck!

Confidence, you say?

So, it turns out I didn't ruin everything. Why do I worry so? Just Some Guy (aka Nigel) suggested in previous comments that I get some self-confidence, but we all know that's easier said than done.

Anyway, here's the update. I called Etch on Wednesday and we had a great, normal conversation. I mentioned that I was taking vacation in a couple of weeks and he said that we'll have to do something together. He told me to think of what I wanted to do. Later he was talking about his sister. He said that when she finishes this next round of chemo, he wants to have a get-together for her, and he'd like for me to come and meet her. He said, "I just want a few people there, only the people who are important to me." What's that strange feeling? Is that security? You mean there's an opposite to insecurity?

Then the even better part: He called me Saturday morning and asked if I'd like to see a movie! I was so excited. We saw Lady in the Water. It was so good to see him, and I made sure to let him know. There was lots of hand-holding and smooching, and lots of laughs, too. It was great!

So, last post I said he could try to do better or he could decide we'd stop seeing each other. Looks like he chose the former, and I'm glad! He likes me, I know he likes me. Everything is going to be fine. How's that for confidence?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

I took a big chance last night, and although I felt completely calm about it then, I'm sorta freaking out now.

I told Etch that I can't go another three weeks without seeing him again. I saw him Friday, but before that I hadn't seen him since the fireworks show on July 3rd. Granted, we talk on the phone nearly every day now. Still, I miss seeing him and being with him. He was supposed to go with me to a party on Saturday, but when he backed out, I had a mini-breakdown on the phone with V. I think it was because I had been anticipating having him at the party with me for so long, I just sort of snapped.

Now, he has had more than sufficient reasons for not being able to spend time with me, and I'm doing my best to be understanding. After the fireworks, he had to prepare for Comic-Con, and then he was at/traveling to and from Comic-Con for a little over a week. The other thing preoccupying him is that his sister has just been diagnosed with a very serious form of cancer and she is not doing well at all. He didn't go to the party because he was upset about her and didn't feel up to it. I totally understand that he's going through a horribly difficult time right now.

Am I being completely selfish? I told him that I don't want to put pressure on him, and I'm not threatening him ("If I don't see you within 3 weeks, it's over"). It's just that I want to see more of him. The good news is that he said he feels the same way. The bad news is that he said he doesn't expect me to wait around for him; he knows I have my own life (translation: "you can see other people").

Now I'm on pins and needles because I'm afraid he's going to call me tonight and say that he can't give me what I want and that we should stop seeing each other. It was not my intent to put any demands on him. I just want him to know that I really like him, and I miss him when we're not together. Sure I can see other people. Hell, I have seen other people. I don't want to see other people. I didn't tell him all that, though. I'm afraid I've broken enough rules with what I did say.

I'm consoling myself by reminding me that I was just being honest. I can't be faulted for that. Last night I was all, "If he dumps me, then maybe that's for the best because I really do need to see more of him. It can only go one of two ways: he can try to do better or we stop seeing each other. The ball is in his court." Where is all that bravado now? I don't want to lose him. But again, I was just stating my true feelings. There's nothing wrong with that, right? The timing is not the best, I know. I told him that patience is not my strong suit, but I will try harder.

I hope this turns out well. ... Whatever that means.

Run on

I've been looking for a hobby, and I think I've found one. It's running. I started the Couch-to-5K Running Plan last week. I'm stuck on the first stage still, but I noticed yesterday that I got a little farther before my shins started killing me.

I got some great advice from a man at my church, Dave, who has run more than 130 marathons. He's 68 years old and runs no less than 10 miles every morning. I talked to him on Sunday, and he had run 22 miles on Saturday and 11 miles before church. He told me not to just run on the treadmill. He drew me a map to a local trail that he recommends, then decided he'd just show me. So, we met at his house after church and walked the trail. That was so nice of him! I plan to go there tomorrow morning as I have the day off. He also told me to run some everyday, not 3 days a week like the plan says. I noticed this week that I'm not as sore even though I've been running everyday. I'm going to try to run a complete first stage session tomorrow, then move on to stage two.

My goal is to run the State Fair 5K on Sept. 30. I told Dave I just want to finish without being last. He told me not even to worry about being last -- who cares? He said there's nothing wrong with walking some during the race; that's not against the rules. But he also added, "That's what I do when I run a 50-mile race. I run for an hour, then walk a little bit." Gee, thanks Dave!

Watch this show

I'm on day 2 of TV-free redux since I wasn't exactly successful last time. But I'm fantasizing about the shows I'm missing.

Here's one I wholeheartedly recommend: Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares
Gordon Ramsay comes across as an evil asshole on his American show. On this BBC America show, he's firm, a little rude, and he curses like a sailor, but it's clear that he cares about the restaurateurs with whom he works. He wants them to be successful, and sometimes that requires a swift kick in the pants.

So, if you're not trying to kick the TV habit, this is one to watch!

Baskets of eggs

I really, really like Etch. (If you've read this blog in the last two months you already know that.) But we're not exclusive yet, so I'm determined not to keep all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I've already written how I'm so scared of liking him this much. I figure if I continue to see other people, it won't be so devastating if things don't work out. All of my eggs won't get broken at once.

Enter Officer Do-Right. I met him at Starbucks on Friday afternoon. He came in with his daughter. I made a mental note of his attractiveness, but figured he was married. As I was leaving he pulled his car next to mine and asked if he could talk to me. Turns out he's unattached. We went out Friday night, Sunday afternoon, and Sunday night. He's very intelligent. We had some good, deep conversations, though sometimes I had to tell him to lighten up a little. His kisses were good, though I had to ask him to dry them up some.

He's asked me three times to join him and his daughter for dinner at his place. I have declined. Tonight I told him that I'm not comfortable being around his daughter. He was very quiet. I asked if that bothers him and he said it does. He ended the call quickly after that. I'm not sure what will happen now. The ball is in his court. I had to be honest, though. His daughter's at the age that is my least favorite, and I think it's way too early to meet her regardless.

I've enjoyed spending time with him, and I'd like to see more of him if he can get past my reluctance to date his daughter. If he can't, then I may have to find another spare basket.

TV-free

This is going to be a TV-free weekend. I've got to finish The Year of Magical Thinking for Monday night's book club. I just started it last night. If I keep the TV off, I know I can finish it.

You know, I don't really have any "must-see, can't miss" shows. Most of the time, I'm just channel surfing and letting my brain turn to mush. And I'm paying $50 a month for the privilege! Doesn't make sense, I know. But, there are some shows I enjoy, and everyone's brain needs a rest now and then, right?

So, here I go. I'm turning it off right now. No, really. Yes, that is an episode of The Wayans Bros. that I've never seen. Too bad. I'm turning it off anyway. Okay, pick up the remote. Do it. Go ahead. *Click*

Gee, it's quiet in here.

Past the point of no return

I had a five hour phone conversation with Etch last night. It was mostly good, but there was a long discussion of his last relationship which was a little uncomfortable. I'm scared because it ended pretty recently. I don't want to be the rebound girl. I like him so much. I don't want to get hurt.

I woke up terrified this morning. I realized that I have thrown away a lot of guys recently. I was always looking for the first screw up so I could dump them fast. Some of them didn't even make it to the first date. I realized Etch has snuck up on me, and I'm past that "throwing away" point. I'm scared about his last relationship, but there's nothing I can, or want to, do about it. On one hand, I don't want to overlook something important, but on the other hand, I think I'm enjoying spending time with him so much that I won't regret it if things do eventually go wrong. I would be disappointed of course, but I don't think I'll feel like I made a mistake in continuing to see him.

I'm just so afraid of the feelings I have for him. They are scary, yet exciting. It has been a very long time since I've felt this way about someone -- like if he were to do something that upset me, I wouldn't just stop taking his phone calls; we'd actually talk about it and try to work things out. That's a scary thought. He actually means something to me now. It was clear in early parts of the conversation last night that he likes me a lot too. He's told me a couple of times that he adores me. The number of times he calls me has increased considerably.

It's going to be okay. I'm having a great time with him. Even the things that scare me add to the excitement. And I honestly wouldn't change a thing.

Still getting a shirt

I don't know why this popped into my head, but here's a funny story.

When I was in high school, I met a guy in a grocery store and gave him my phone number. We talked on the phone a couple of times, and I was starting to like him. He was a few years older than I was and already out of high school. I knew my parents would never let me date him. One evening he called and said he wanted to see me. I was nervous about what my parents would say, so I decided to let him come over, but just not give them any advance warning. That way they couldn't say no.

So, the guy told me he had been working on his car, so he was going to put on a clean shirt then come over. He never showed up. That was about 18 years ago. He must be doing a hell of a lot of laundry!

(Not) getting laid

I was reading a book tonight and one of the characters mentioned meeting a guy at a hotel to "get laid properly." *Sigh* How I miss getting laid. But I've promised myself to wait until I'm in a committed relationship.

Wait, deja vu. I just realized I've already written about this. But this time, it's because I'm really starting to develop strong feelings for Etch. He really is a great guy. Saturday night he came over to hang out. As soon as he came in the door, he started practically begging me to let him put my bookshelf together. It was so nice. He wanted to put the dresser together too, but I wouldn't let him. That's not at all what I invited him over for. Anyway, we watched a movie and there was some smooching afterwards, but he totally didn't try any 'funny business.' I don't know his reasoning, but that means a lot.

It was V's idea, and I've agreed, to wait until I've known him 6 months before I "go all the way" with him. It works out nicely because that will coincide with my birthday. That's not to say it's not on my mind frequently. There are just too many variables right now, and I don't want to regret it when I finally do it. I have to be sure that's it the (almost) right thing to do.

Delirious

I am SO happy!

Last night Etch had me and V and a couple of friends over. We had burgers and beer, played a board game, and talked.

And we kissed! Yay! I was dropping hints, and there were definitely some sparks flying, but he wouldn't make a move. Finally I asked him for a pen and paper so I could write him a note:

Dear [Etch],
I think you're swell. Can we kiss? I didn't want to have to ask, but what are you gonna do?
[Heart],
[Samsara]

When he read it, he smiled and kissed me. It was terrific! I asked why I had to ask since I'd been giving hints all night. He said he's just slow about picking up on that stuff. We played the board game after that, and he was being all touchy-feely. It was nice. There were a couple more smooching sessions after that. He was so sweet and attentive. I think I can finally relax (a little) and believe that he likes me.

He was such a great host, too. He's really a neat guy. He's personable, can talk about anything, has entertaining stories, is polite and is considerate. And did I mention, he's cute, too!

When will it be easier?

I have got to stop freaking myself out.

I had not talked to Etch since the night of our date, and I was so afraid he was blowing me off. Nevermind the fact that it's normal for us to talk on one weekend day and then on Monday or Tuesday night. I was a wreck by this afternoon. I got permission from Lass to call him ("but only once").

I called tonight after visiting the watering hole. He answered but said he was in the middle of packing up an order and asked if he could call me back. He called back about an hour and a half later and we had a nice conversation.

Why am I such an idiot? When will I get to the point that I don't worry constantly? When will I stop having to distract myself? When will my friends no longer have to reassure me? (I'm sure V is ready to throttle me!)

I need a hobby. ... Or a boyfriend. LOL.

Aahhhh

I had the best time last night!

We met at the movie theater. He was as cute as I remembered, if not cuter. There were some laughs before the movie and a few during.

Afterwards, we took a while deciding on a place to eat, but finally picked one. He offered to drive and bring me back to my car later. When we got in his car, he was moving stuff around like generally cleaning the bits of junk that tend to accumulate. He handed me a small box and said, "Open that up. See what that is in there." I opened it and it was a shot glass with Thomas Jefferson on it!

It was so awesome! It's cobalt blue (which I had mentioned I love), it has a picture of Jefferson with his name above and birth and death dates below, and it has my name on the back in a really pretty script with a curlicue underneath. I can't believe he remembered that conversation. I was so impressed.

He was quite a gentleman the whole night. He opened doors for me and paid for everything. He is so funny! We talked and laughed for hours. I thought the staff at the restaurant were going to kick us out.

At the end of the night, he drove back to where we left my car and walked me to it. He hugged me, but alas, there was no kiss. He said that hopefully it won't be another month before we go out again.

It was such a great time! I can't wait to see him again.

The waiting is the hardest part

Okay, folks. Etch met the deadline. I have a date tomorrow!

At first I didn't feel very good about it because I felt like I had forced the issue. He hadn't mentioned getting together again, so when I returned his Tuesday call on Wednesday, I asked if he still wanted to get together. I really think I should have waited for him to bring it up. He said he did want to get together and asked what day would be good for me, but then didn't sound very enthusiastic about coming up with something for us to do. So, I figured I would just wait for him to call and confirm and if he was still hesitant, then I'd suggest we postpone it.

But when he called tonight (earlier than I expected), he sounded more eager and had a plan in mind. I felt much better. Now I'm excited to see him again. I thought about asking him if this is a date or if it's two friends hanging out, but I don't want to be all "State of the Union" already. I'll just have to guage how he relates to me tomorrow. Hopefully, he'll try to kiss me. Heehee.

Deadline

Etch has one week from tomorrow to take me out. Seriously.

His order is done, he's got the boxes, it should be shipped on Tuesday at the latest. I've already told him I'm on vacation all week. I've waited almost a month, and my patience has worn thin. I know he's got to get started on his next project (the Comic-Con in July), but he should have at least a few hours to go out on a date. Especially since his thumb is hurt and he can't etch for a while anyway.

If we haven't gone out by next Sunday, then I'll know he's just not that into me, and I'll move on.

Great quote

I was looking at some ancient journals today, and on the inside cover of one of them was this quote:

The sweetness of low price never equals the bitterness of low quality.

Such an eloquent rephrasing of one of my mottos: "You get what you pay for."

And so very, very true.

May I have a talk with you?

Conversations with Etch-a-Sketch have been going so well! The last two times we talked (Saturday and last night) I had to keep reminding myself to be quiet and give him a chance to start a topic. He is so easy to talk to. My shyness doesn't make it easy for me to have conversations with new people, so it takes something special (I'm not sure what) to draw me out. I haven't found that something in any guy since Brian. It's the one thing I've really been looking for.

I mentioned to him that I'm taking vacation time the week of Memorial Day. He said that we should get together then. Still tentative, but less so than before. I keep fantasizing about what our first date will be like, how our first kiss will be, if he'll hold my hand. It's going to be very exciting.

That's not rice

So, I kept putting off cleaning my kitchen. I knew there was some moldy fruit in a bowl, some old taco meat in a covered casserole dish, and other assorted crap that needed to be taken care of. My mother was coming over this afternoon, so I decided to finally clean in there.

I opened the casserole dish, and the worst stink came out. Then I looked inside and thought, "Hmm. I know I put corn in the tacos, but I don't remember putting rice in there." Then the rice started moving! I was so creeped out!

Having a messy apartment is mildly comical until the maggots show up.

My family tree must be a pecan

What do you do when a family member is not someone who you would want to have a relationship with?

My oldest sister falls into that category. She and her husband have become people that I wouldn't tolerate. They borrowed $4,600 from me years ago with the promise to repay in a matter of months. I've seen maybe $200. I have never asked for the money back, and I think I probably should have. But I always felt sorry for them because they're always in a bind of some sort. They borrowed the money to cover their mortgage payments and then ended up losing the house anyway. I never understood how they could have cable, eat out, buy expensive clothes for their kids, etc., yet the house payment wasn't made?! Seems to me, that would come first. I know I've built up a lot of resentment because of this. My former therapist suggested that I ask them to start a repayment plan, even if it was just $25 a month. I never got up the nerve. And then IT happened.

IT -- my brother-in-law gave my sister a black eye. Now, they've gotten into fights before. He's pushed her down, he's pulled a gun on her, she's left and gone back. For a while it was occuring on a two-year cycle. This was the first time she ever called the police on him, so I was encouraged, thinking she'd finally leave the jerk. I had blamed his stupidity for all their problems. After the fight, I had her come to stay with me for a few days while he was in jail. She was dying to go back home. I'll never understand why. He started emailing her his profuse apologies (she forwarded them to our other sister who told me about them), and the next thing we knew, she was going downtown to drop the charges. It began to dawn on me that she was just as sick as he is. This last fight included my niece who he called all kinds of names. She even pulled two of his dreadlocks out. Anyway, my sister told my niece that she didn't want to have to choose between them (WTF?) and that she wanted her 'family' together.

As the rest of the family talked about it, other parts of the story came out. I had never told anyone about the money they owed me. It turns out they owe everyone. I learned about the seriousness of the other fights. And I learned the basis of this last fight (he re-financed the house without telling my sister).

Now, I look at them with a whole different viewpoint. In all honesty, they sicken me.

They have taken my nephew's savings of $1,000 and kicked him out when he objected to it. (He caved and went back home after a day.) They have told him that he should let his car be repossessed because it needs expensive repairs.

My niece is so incredibly greedy I can't even believe it. She graduates tomorrow. They were not sending me an invitation because they wanted to send one to a woman who helped my mother watch her when she was an infant. We haven't spoken to this woman in years, and she gets an invitation before I do? My niece said they're sending her one because, "We need money." And then, when my sister started addressing an invitation to me because I insisted, my niece said, "That's a wasted invitation." I told her, "I don't appreciate being called a waste," and she apologized. It's all I can do to go to this graduation tomorrow and give her a gift. I'm trying to tell myself it's not her fault: she can't help the way she was raised.

(I'm leaving out all the drama between them and my other sister. But trust me, it's just as bad if not worse.)

I have asked my other sister to pray for me so that I won't become hard-hearted. I want to care about them because they're family. I just don't like to be around them. And my brother-in-law is all in our faces trying to let us know that he's changed, and my sister encourages it. Blech. Why does she think her situation is any different from those of the millions of other domestic violence victims?

I don't know what, if anything, I can do. My plan now is just to limit my exposure to them. I used to feel obligated to attend all family gatherings. Not anymore. I have a choice, and I'm going to exercise it. It would probably be healthier to air my grievances and try to heal wounds, but I know they would not be receptive to it. I just hope they don't set me off in some way and I explode.

What a waste

You know, I was all in turmoil convincing myself that I should give Goldy a chance. What a waste of time that was. He hasn't even called. Jackass.

Things I didn't do today

1. Finish verifying the copy record information of some closed-stacks items.
2. Ask Cherie for a report of what titles are showing 'on order'.
3. Wash dishes.
4. Buy groceries.
5. Exercise.
6. Refrain from speaking negatively about a coworker.
7. Call the apartment leasing office to renew my lease.

All I need is just a little patience

I have had two fantastic conversations with Etch. Saturday night (actually Sunday morning) he called and we talked for close to two and a half hours. He is so funny. We talked about so much stuff, most of it completely off the wall. As a result of one our topics, he's supposed to etch me a glass with a picture of Thomas Jefferson. He's got Frankenstein toys he said I could play with, as long as I don't rearrange them. We only got off the phone because his phone was dying. There's no telling how long we would have talked otherwise. Still no date, though. We talked about seeing a movie, named a couple we'd like to see, but nothing definite.

He called tonight and we talked for an hour. More getting-to-know-you this time, but still some off-the-wall stuff, too. This time he said that we won't be able to go out until he finishes this big etching order he's got. He wants it done by the end of the month. As of tonight, he's got 350 of 1000 pieces done. I hate waiting.

I can never just take the situation at face value: he's got work to do and a pressing deadline. Instead, I think maybe something's up. Last weekend, when I returned his call on Saturday night, he didn't answer. And when he called Monday night, he said he had been sick all weekend. At the end of our conversation this Saturday night, he said he'd call me on Sunday. He didn't call until tonight and said that he had slept all day Sunday. Put those facts together with the fact that the movie date has been all talk, and it means he has no intention of taking me out. He's just putting it off until I give up. See? It's all right there in black and white. Okay, it's actually between the black and white. But that's the same thing, right?

I'm getting on my nerves. Make me just enjoy the conversations, have a good time, and not get all worked up.

*Clarification*
When I said,"He's putting it off until I give up," I didn't meant that I've been pestering him about taking me out. I never bring it up, actually. What I mean is that he'll keep putting it off until I decide I don't want to talk to him anymore.

Surrendered single vs. Gold-zilla

I was brushing up on the advice I got in my Surrendered Single book. I love this book, and I realized that I haven't been following the author's instructions lately.

First off, I'm supposed to smile at every man I see. She says to flirt, too, but I'm more judicious with that one. Smiling and saying hello is fun. It's neat to see the guys sort of caught off guard and then pleased that I've spoken to them. I'm sure it's an ego boost for them. (Not because of me. I'm not that conceited.) They're probably thinking that they're so irresistible, women can't help but talk to them.

The next advice is to accept dates from guys I wouldn't normally go out with. This way, I get the confidence generated from feeling desirable and I get the practice and experience of dating. And most importantly, I'm giving guys a chance when I may have overlooked them for some shallow reason.

This brings us to Goldy. When I re-read that part of the book, I remembered Goldy. I met him the same night I met Frenchy. While I was practically pulling my hair out waiting for Frenchy to call, Goldy called at least three times and asked to get together. I just put him off. I said I'd call and I never did (karma, anyone?). Do you want to know why I put him off? Go ahead, ask me. The reason is that ... he's got a gold tooth!! That's right. In 2006, this guy's left front tooth is gold. V described it perfectly: tacky.

Here comes the ironic part: Goldy called Friday night. This time when he asked when he could see me, I said next weekend. He seems like a nice enough guy, he's clearly interested. He's attractive with his mouth closed. If I think about it hard enough, I really don't have a good reason for not seeing him at least once. How can I complain about how guys never call when here's one who does, and I don't respond?

Etch-a-Sketch

After a couple of missteps over the weekend, I talked to Etch-a-Sketch tonight.

That first phone call is always so weird. You know, you meet, you're both pretty tipsy, you have a good time talking, exchange numbers. But then, in real life on the phone, it's not the same. The boozy chemistry isn't there. There's no liquid courage to lower inhibitions.

Anyway, it wasn't really a disappointment. It was a decent conversation after all. He mentioned owing me a movie, but didn't attempt to make real plans. The call ended with his vague mention of giving me a call later in the week. Perhaps he will. I won't die if he doesn't.

Labelling myself

I'm finally up to the exercises portion of my Shyness book. This next one requires input from friends.

I had to come up with a list of 10 words, phrases, and traits that describe me best. Here goes:

1. a good listener
2. pretty
3. shy
4. loyal
5. caring
6. harsh/critical
7. impatient
8. funny
9. lazy
10. quiet

Next, I had to rank them in "importance" from 1 to 10. I didn't understand that, so I skipped it.

Last, I had to ask a friend which are the two most and the two least characteristic of me. So, friends who read this: What do you think?

The pick-up artist

I saw the biggest pick-up tonight at the watering hole. I guess the woman wasn't really an artist, as it was so obvious that she was picking this guy up. I wonder if it was obvious to him. She was in her mid-to-late forties. He was in his late twenties with a french accent (ooh-la-la).

Her line? "Hey. Hey. Do you know anything about cell phones?" Nevermind that the bar is next door to a T-Mobile store. He moved over, she asked what it means when it says "my profile," and it went on from there. When I looked over later, they were talking softly, and they were so close that the bill of his cap was touching her forehead.

Rock on, old lady!

Hairless heaven

I love this stuff!

It is a well known fact that I hate shaving my legs. I usually let months elapse between shavings. Well, not anymore, thanks to this Veet Rasera kit. It's less messy and smelly than Nair and faster and more comfortable than shaving.

I wholeheartedly recommend it. There are some coupons on the site which make it practically half-price. Try it!

Immigration again

This crosses the line. Why did Adam Kidron think it would be okay to bastardize the national anthem this way? He didn't just translate it, which would have been wrong enough, he (or whoever helped write this version) added lines like, "My people keep fighting. It's time to break the chains." That doesn't even fit with the spirit of the song. It's about the American flag and how it withstood a night of intense fighting.

Okay, so these people feel like they need to make a statement. Go ahead. Write a song that expresses how you feel. Or adopt a meaningful one and call it your national anthem. That's what black people did with "Lift Every Voice and Sing," the negro national anthem. My mom says that in her segregated school they sang both that song and "The Star-Spangled Banner" to open their assemblies.

I agree with the President on this song issue. As far as the planned work-stoppage on Monday, he opposes it, but I say go for it. That just means when I order sweet-and-sour sauce to go with my chicken nuggets, the person at the counter will know what I'm talking about.

Volunteers needed

Isn't that the cutest face you've ever seen? Wouldn't you just love to come and change her litter box for me? Aww, c'mon. It smells like I'm using ammonia-scented air fresheners over here.

See, I use those handy litter box liners, so all you have to do is lift it out, pull the drawstrings, tie them up and drop it in the garbage outside. When you get back, I'll show you where I keep the liners and litter. Just place the liner, refill, and presto! Clean litter box.

How soon can you get here?

The goal

I started my "diet" today. I decided to stop making excuses. Since I needed to go grocery shopping anyway, I pulled out one of my old 1500 calorie menus and bought what I needed. (Note: it is much more expensive to buy healthy food than junk food.)

My goal is to lose 10 lbs. by May 29th. I know that part of my problem is that when I think of my weight at 10 pounds less, it's still not very appealing, so my initial thought is, "Why bother?" But I'm going to bother. 10 pounds will make a marked difference in the way my clothes fit and in how my body feels, so I think that will serve as motivation to lose the rest.

I'm keeping Tuesday nights at the watering hole. Those will be my splurge nights.

Next up is exercise. I saw an ad for a 60-day boot camp, and the rec center nearby has yoga and step aerobics for cheap.

Wish me luck!

Bad news at work

1) I got my contract for next year. For the fourth year in a row it says, "I regret to say that we are not able to accommodate salary increases for the next academic year."

This totally sucks. I have to admit that it's not that bad for me because I got an increase when I got my new position. It sucks for everyone else, though. I don't know how employees with families make it. Many of the male professors have wives who are stay-at-home moms. They must be moonlighting.

2) My assistant is not resigning this summer as planned. I was so looking forward to hiring someone of my own choosing who doesn't talk all day and do class work and who actually does the work he/she is paid for.

Now it means I'm going to have to be assertive and stop letting things slide thinking I only have a few months to deal with it. First up, making her shelve the boxes of journals that have been sitting on her cart for over a week.

It's not working

My embrace, indulge, extinguish plan is failing. UC (Usher Captain) was so cute tonight. He had on a different suit and tie. Dressier, hotter. I was watching him walk around, mentally kicking myself.

He confuses me. He makes it easy for me to read meaning in his actions. Just before the Eucharistic prayer, I deliberately stood on the right side because his wife sits on the left and he always used to kneel over there behind her. I figured this way when it was time for the Lord's prayer, he'd be over there and we wouldn't hold hands. No undue temptation, right? Wrong. He knelt next to me. I was so distracted. I kept thinking, "Why is he over here?" It made no sense. So the Lord's prayer came up. I kept my hands at my sides. He GRABBED my hand! Really. Why?! I was distracted again by the warmth of his hand and the firmness of his grip. Then it was time for the sign of peace. He always says, "Peace, 'Samsara.'" This time I looked into his eyes. (*Sigh* My mouth is watering right now as I'm thinking about it. I'm hopeless.) He shook the hands of all the other ushers, then went to his wife to kiss her. They always kiss, but I've noticed that it's a kiss on the cheek. What's the point of that? I don't mean he should tongue her down in the middle of Mass, but why not a peck on the lips?

After the closing hymn, the two of them walked up the side aisle. I thought maybe they had somewhere to go because he usually hangs around in the back and then cleans up litter in the pews. I looked again later and he was walking through the pews doing litter duty. I don't know what that was about. I walked out later and saw him walking to his truck. He waved at me and said bye. I continued walking on to my car. A minute later, the truck passed me and his wife was driving. She rolled down the window and said, "Bye, 'Samsara.'" I said, "Bye. Good night." And called her a name under my breath. (I know! Hopeless.) She rolled down the window to say bye to me. Why?!

I'm seriously considering asking the head usher if I can work another mass. When I initially signed up, he told me he wanted me to do 7:30 during football season to cover for the high school boys and after that was over, I could choose either 12:30 or 7:30. Maybe it's time to give 12:30 a shot. I overheard UC telling another usher that he won't be there next Sunday, so I have some time to think about it.

Dear old Dad

My dad was back to his usual self yesterday. He put new brakes on my car and got my right rear tire repaired.

I thought his taking-care-of-me days were over this summer when I needed new tires and he made me go by myself to buy them. And when it was time for me to move, I had to practically beg him to tag along.

When I knew I needed new brakes, I just asked where I should take my car. I expected him to name some repair chain, but instead he said, "Bring it over here." He said that he could replace the brakes easily. I helped by handing him tools and such. He asked me to water the flowers and shrubs. Then we rode around afterwards to test them and to go to the tire repair shop. I asked him to stop at an ATM so I could get cash for the repair, but he said he'd take care of it. Last, we drove to the car wash, but it was too crowded and we decided not to wait.

It was a nice day.

Nice save

I nearly died of embarrassment tonight. As I was walking into church, I saw a guy who I thought was my neighbor. He glanced my way and I waved and said, "Hi, Craig." He said, "Chris," and the guy he was talking to laughed. I said, "Oh. Chris. Sorry." I walked in, found a seat, and wished I could crawl in a hole. I text messaged V to tell her about it. (Yes, in church. That's how bad I felt.) I wanted to leave.

I was sitting there thinking just how much I wanted to leave when a good-looking guy interrupted my reverie of chagrin asking, "Do you mind if I sit next to you?" I said, "No, not at all." He said, "Thanks." I said, "Certainly." I was thinking that when he finished praying, if he turned my way, I'd introduce myself. He beat me to it. He asked my name and said it was nice to meet me. I asked his name. He asked which mass I attend and I told him I'm an usher at the 7:30 pm. He goes to the 11 am.

He was very polite and gentlemanly. When I reached for a missalette, he handed me his and took another one for himself. Each time we had to kneel he pulled out the kneeler. I moved to pull it out once and he said, "I've got it." For the offering hymn, he opened a hymnal and moved it over so we could share it. I had been getting money out of my purse when they started singing, so he pointed out the part in the song where we were. I scanned through the song looking for high notes. There was a high D which is about my limit. I was thinking, "Please let me make the high note, please let me make the high note, whew, I made the high note." At the end of the song, he turned to me and smiled and said, "Nice voice." Wheee! I said, "You, too." He really did have a nice voice.

After the service, we walked out and I waited for him to catch up in the vestibule. I said, "It was nice meeting you." He said, "You, too, 'Samsara.' Maybe I'll try the 7:30." I said, "Yeah, that'd be good." He said something about how the 11 will be really busy on Sunday. I agreed and said, "See you later," as our paths diverged.

I'm glad I didn't find that hole.

I think she's on to me

The last few times I've seen Usher Captain's wife, she's been super friendly. All smiling and "Hi, 'Samsara.' How are you?" Is it that old cliche about keeping your enemies close?

He told me last Sunday that he had a bag of about twenty creamers for me. He set them on their toaster oven -- a visible place so he'd remember to bring them -- but his wife cooked something in the oven and they exploded. Sabotage!

Illegal means illegal

HR4437 protesters at "Megamarch" (downtown Dallas 4/9/06)

I don't doubt that illegal immigrants are hard workers. I see groups of them in the morning waiting in vacant lots for day work. However, they are here illegally. Doesn't that make them criminals? And don't tell me illegal immigrants do the jobs no one else will do. The problem is no one will do them for the low pay that's offered. As long as illegals do the work for next to nothing and the company/owner can get away with paying them under the table, how can legal workers compete?

I've heard people say how they're just trying to make better lives for their families, and I'm sympathetic. But millions of Europeans, Asians, and Africans also want better lives for their families and are also hard workers. They pay legal and governmental fees, complete paperwork, take tests, and cut through other red tape to come here and stay legally. Why should it be harder for them because they can't just walk across a border or hide in a truck and be driven across.

I heard a man on the radio yesterday asking for supporters to attend the march. He was asking participants to wear white shirts and bring American flags because "we love America and we want to stay here." Great! Stay as long as you want. Just get a green card first.

Rub-a-dub-dub

I know that title's a little irreverent, but I couldn't think of anything else catchy.

So, Deacon Ken called me yesterday and asked if I'd like to participate in the mass on Holy Thursday. I'm going to be one of the faithful who have their feet washed by the priest.

I wonder what made him ask me. At first I thought maybe he had the wrong Robyn, but when I got to work today I found that he had left a message there as well, so I'm sure he knew who he was calling.

There has been a bit of controversy over whether or not women should be allowed to participate. Nevertheless, I'm honored and excited!

Whoosh!

Did you hear that? That, my friends, is the sound of that great, unexplained phenomenon called The Blow-Off.

That's right. Frenchy's gone. He left Sunday and told me to call him later. I left him a message and there was no response. I tried one last time this past Sunday and still no response. Who knows what happened?

I'm not too broken up about it. And I'm not swearing off men. Not that I'm exactly "on the hunt," but I don't give up.

I don't need a bag

My utility closet was overflowing with assorted plastic grocery bags. I bought some canvas bags to use instead. Yay me, for helping save the environment!

So far the Target cashiers have been the only ones who get it. I put my bag on the counter and they fill it. All the other cashiers have thought it's the weirdest thing in the world for a customer to bring his own bag. And Minyard's was the worst. The sacker there wanted to put my items in plastic bags, then put them in my canvas ones! Apparently, it's also uncool to have only one or two items and declare that you don't need a bag. Umm, that's what my hands are for.

Dropping 20

Every day, at some point, I feel so displeased with my body. It happens when I'm dressing (something's too tight) or putting on makeup (there's the start of a double chin) or deciding what to wear (all those cute clothes that don't fit) or looking at some fit person (why not me?).

Every day I say to myself I need to start eating better and working out and lose these extra 20 pounds. It's more frustrating because I know I can do it -- I've done it before -- but I just can't seem to get motivated.

Every day I make poor food choices and let my gym bag ride around in the car with me.

My fitness challenge with V was a bust. I've tried working out in the morning and in the afternoon. I just can't get into a routine.

I thought about using the menus I wrote back when I was in shape. They've been sitting on the coffee table for months. I thought about joining eDiets. I talked myself out of it because of the cost. Then Lass pointed out the Kraft Healthy Living website which is basically the same thing, but free. Still nothing. Now I'm thinking about going back to Jenny Craig. Maybe some outside accountability would help. Then there's the expense to think about. I can afford it now after my promotion, but what about my plan to save for a washing machine and dryer? And what about when I reach my goal? I'll be back to making up my own menus which isn't working now. What makes me think it'll work later?

I think I'm just making excuses. Maybe I'm afraid to fail or afraid that I won't be able to use being overweight as a reason for my life not being perfect. I've got to find out what the block is.

First date

Frenchy came over last night. We watched Good Night and Good Luck, talked, and had a couple of make-out sessions. He ended up spending the night, but it was quite chaste ... well, mostly chaste. There was lots of kissing, a little touching, strictly above the waist with no clothing removed. It was nice, and he wasn't pushy at all.

The cutest part of the night was during the movie. We were sitting close to each other, but he hadn't made a move yet. It was getting chilly in the room, so I got a blanket and covered us up. His fingers were touching my arm. I leaned forward to get a sip of my beer, and his fingers moved to my wrist. When I leaned back, he moved them to my hand, so then we were holding hands under the blanket. It was so sweet!

So far, so good

I think I have a date tomorrow night!

I talked to Frenchy again tonight. He suggested getting together tomorrow night to watch movies at his place. I'm supposed to call him tomorrow during the day to confirm. I'm going to suggest that he come here instead. I'll feel more comfortable on my turf. Not to mention I won't have to drive the 20 miles to his place!

We didn't talk on the phone for long, but he was more animated than he was on Wednesday night. I think he may have been inhibited by his friends' being there. Tonight he was more like the Frenchy I met last week. I'm so excited about seeing him again.

Torture

First Frenchy didn't call and then he did.

He was supposed to call at 7:30. When 8:00 came along, I IMed Lass and we called him some bad names, and I called V and we called him some more bad names. Then I remembered my motto, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." Those were some good kisses after all. Still, I felt horrible. I should have known better than to want him to call. For the millionth time I swore off men forever.

8:30 rolled around, and the phone rang. Frenchy! I told him he was an hour late. He said he was "doin' stuff." We made some small talk. He was at a friend's house hanging out before his soccer game. He made a reference to getting together, but we didn't make definite plans. He's going to call tomorrow.

So much for swearing off men. More waiting instead. At least now I don't feel so anxious about it.

Ice cream!

I've had a mad craving for ice cream recently. I finally got some tonight: a pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk. It is so yummy!

And guess what else I bought. Cow's milk. A little over a year ago I read an article that said cow's milk can have pus in it if the cow's teats are infected at the time of milking. Since then I've only been drinking soy milk. Tonight I didn't feel like going to the grocery store and I stopped in Target instead. They didn't have any soy milk, so I bought skim cow's milk.

It's a silly aversion anyway, since I still eat cheese, yogurt, and the above mentioned ice cream.

Waiting game

I hate this! I gave Frenchy my phone number and for some reason that I can't recall I told him to call me on Wednesday at 7:30. I know he's not going to call. They never do. They either were so drunk they forgot all about having met someone or they never intended to call in the first place. Nevertheless, I'm all anxious for him to call. It's a most uncomfortable feeling. The only consolation is the bet with V. She insists he'll call. If he doesn't, she has to buy me dinner.

He told V that he was "elated" to meet me. He told me repeatedly that he was glad he stored my phone number in his cell phone before the battery died. He kept saying how much he likes me. That was all probably drunk talk. By the time Wednesday comes, he will either have forgotten me or will have talked himself out of calling. I know this, so why am I still hoping he'll call? I'm going to be a wreck on Wednesday.

French

I frenched a guy last night! It was 95% perfect. His tongue was a little harder than I like, but everything he did with it was sensational!

I've said for a long time that kissing is what I miss most after not having been with anyone. Henry couldn't kiss well. The last guy who could was ages ago, like December '04. This was just the fix I needed.

Crushed

I was so over my crush on the usher captain. That is, until last night.

When I first developed the crush at the end of the summer, I decided to take the advice I've read in so many advice columns: embrace the crush, indulge in the silly fantasies, and eventually the crush will burn itself out. It worked, but now the flame has been rekindled.

Last night we talked for about 20 minutes about work and travel. He told me that his job frequently gives away free products and he offered to bring me some. I told him my brother works for Frito-Lay, so I'll bring him some snacks in exchange.

Later I was remembering how excited I got once when he said, "You and I will handle this side." "You and I!" It was so hot! While I was standing there thinking of that, he said, "You and I will come down the middle," and touched my elbow. I thought I would pass out! I also used to like when he said my name. Goofy, I know. Last night he whispered it after the second collection, calling me to go to the back with him and put the money in the safe.

Of course, I want to read extra meaning into all these things. Like, why did he hold my hand during the Lord's Prayer but not his wife's? Why did he have me go to the back with him instead of one of the 3 other guys there?

I'm going to have to start all over. Embrace, indulge, extinguish.

Hey, college kids! Stop sinning!

I kept my word and went to confession this afternoon. I thought I'd be smart and get there early to beat the crowd. I was so wrong. I arrived 10 minutes before the start time and was #11 in line! What are these college kids up to? Okay, don't answer that. They're probably up to much of the same things I was up to in college. That's part of the comfort of going to confession at work: there's no doubt the priest has heard some juicy stuff and won't be shocked at what I have to say.

Anyway, I barely made it in. I was the last one the priest heard, and there were 6 people behind me. Ironically, when I committed one of the sins I needed to confess, I said to myself, "Oh, well. I'll just go to confession." It took me almost six weeks. I will never take this sacrament for granted again.

Confession procrastination

Why do I keep putting off going to Confession? I'm not embarrassed. I don't even have anything that horrible to confess. Sometimes I lose track of time or forget. Other times I come up with excuses. I did go about a month ago but the line was so long that the priest didn't have time to hear all the confessions. I haven't received Communion in over a month. I've missed the last two First Fridays (I was trying to keep the "Nine Fridays" Sacred Heart devotion).

I had planned to go to Confession tonight, but I'm already undressed and in bed. Tomorrow night I could go before Bible Study, but I don't want Fr. John to recognize my voice. Excuses, anyone? I'll have two opportunities to go on Friday at work. I think I'll try the 4:00 because I think Fr. Philip does that one, and I've never gone to him before. If for some reason that doesn't work out, I'll go Saturday afternoon. I'm determined to go before Sunday.

You can't fire me, I quit!

We've all been there.

By 'there' I mean: you don't really like the guy, but when he blows you off, you're all "What the hell? I can't believe he stood me up. How dare he not like me when I didn't like him first?!"

Patrick is gone. He sent an email the day after the phone call saying it was a pleasure talking to me. I haven't heard from him since. True, I didn't respond to the email, but I don't think he'd be the type to take that as some signal of my uninterest. I think for his own reasons he decided to end our correspondence. That's actually fine with me. Better than fine, it's great. But I still wish I could tell him that he turned me off long before I turned him off. I guess the truth is I had the chance to tell him and I didn't. For now I'll have to believe that since I'm making no effort to contact him and find out what happened to our date, he'll understand that I don't care that he's gone.

Lent

I know Lent is a time of penitence, but I don't think it's inappropriate to say I'm enjoying it this year. I have seriously neglected my prayer life in the last few months. The special observances and devotions of this period of the Church year are helping me to refocus, and I can see what I've been missing.

At work each Friday, campus ministry is offering Lenten Lunches. We meet in silence; have soup, bread, and water; and listen to a priest read from Thomas Merton's Thoughts in Solitude.

I decided to take on something this year rather than give up something. I'm going to the Stations of the Cross every Friday night. The reflections are so moving and each one has relevance to my daily life.

I hope the next six weeks will help me to get back on track spiritually.

What am I getting myself into?

Patrick called last night. You're asking,"Why did she give him her phone number?" Yeah, that's a good question. I gave him my number because I'm a nutcase. I already knew he had sex on the brain, so why did I think his conversation would be anything different than what it was? I think I thought I could somehow keep him in check, keep the dirty talk to a minimum. Instead it was like a metaphor I heard in church once: adding ink to water doesn't clear up the ink, it turns the water inky.

We talked for about an hour and a half. The first part of it was okay, but then we started asking each other various sex questions. Almost like a truth-or-dare game without the dares. He started it, but I have to admit I didn't try to stop him and I had some pretty risque questions of my own. The problem that I had with it was that he took every opportunity to mention how this or that will be when we have sex. He's so confident that it's going to happen even though I told him my stance on casual sex. It got to be a turn-off.

Well, to confirm my stupidity, I'm supposed to go out with him this weekend. We don't have any firm plans. He just said that he's planning to come to Dallas either Friday or Saturday. At first I was excited. Now, not so much. It wouldn't be horrible to have drinks and dinner with him. I'd just really like to be done with the whole thing.

If I ever post or answer another ad on Craigslist, please knock some sense into me.

Things I didn't do today

1. Make an appointment at Toni & Guy for a haircut
2. Write a mushy letter to my sister as requested by the leader of the retreat she's going on
3. Iron my suit jacket for tomorrow's meeting
4. Fill out the rebate form for my laptop
5. Unpack my stuff and arrange my new office
6. Buy a card for Ellen
7. Balance my checkbook
8. Stop at Target for cleanser and macaroni and cheese
9. Buy myself some candy
10. Go to confession
11. Write a thank you note to Carolyn for the sympathy card she mailed to me

Take 2

I went back to my local alehouse tonight. I talked to two guys! The first one was a man on my right. As I turned that way to put my keys in my purse, I said, "How are you?" He answered and then started talking. We talked about Catholicism, schools, the British Empire, and the Gobi Desert for about half an hour. When he left, Tony (I met him last week) waved at me and then walked over. We talked about golf, painting, my schooling, his former career, dogs, and tattoos for another half hour. He seems to know all the regulars and pointed out the owners of the place and a couple of other people. Everyone seems pretty laid-back and normal. I'm going to like this place.

(Not) doing it

I've had sex on my mind a lot lately. Part of it is that Patrick writes me soft-core dirty emails. The other part is that as of February 16, it has been 2 years since I last had sex.

I told Lass that I don't know whether I should laugh or cry about that fact. I mean, on one hand, it means I've been strong enough to resist having casual sex because I really want to wait until I'm in a relationship with someone who I really care about. On the other hand, it means I haven't been in a relationship with someone who I really care about for 2 years.

Sometimes I think I should just go ahead and do it with someone and get over this "2 years" business. Perhaps I'm making it a bigger deal in my head than it needs to be. I know deep down, though, that's not what I really want. I had my share of casual sex in college because it's what everyone was doing (or so I thought). I never enjoyed it. I learned sex is much better for me when I have other-than-physical feelings for the guy. I also learned, after a disastrous three year relationship that was two years too long, that sex can bond me to a guy and make me ignore important warning signs. It's important for me to be sure of the relationship first, before the sex happens. And let's not forget that I believe premarital sex is a sin. I haven't had it since I converted, so I haven't had to face confessing it. It definitely would not be worth going through that trauma for mediocre sex.

So, I guess the bottom line is that I'm not going to be having sex anytime soon. Before the year of having sex with Brian, it had been 5 years. 5 years, 1 month, and 15 days to be exact. I've got another 3 years before I break that record.

Lord, I hope I don't break that record.