Yesterday's news

Some random thoughts and commentary about yesterday's news:

1. I don't know if I can trust what Brett says. He feels inordinate guilt about so many things. When he says he wants to keep our plans for Christmas and after, I don't know if he really means that or if he's just saying that because he feels bad.

2. This whole thing started two weeks ago. I thought it was settled, but apparently it was not. That kind of makes me mad. At that time, I asked him if he wanted to dial things back a notch. He said he didn't know how to do that. We decided to keep things as they are. Yesterday he said, you guessed it, he wants to dial things back a notch.

3. I haven't decided if I still want to exchange Christmas gifts. What I got him is easily returnable. I want to know what he got me. So, curiosity might decide that one for me. But I gave considerable thought to his gift. If he got me crap, I'm going to be pissed!

4. I wish I could get back the $40 I just spent over the weekend filling my contraception prescription.

5. I really want to be with him the way things were. That's why I'm not letting myself make any decisions just yet. I'm prone to forsake common sense for emotions, and I think that would be a mistake.

6. The "I don't want a serious relationship, but I want to be with you" thing is the same thing I got from Brian. I carried on with him for a year. I've always had in the back of my mind that things with Brett would turn out the same way because we started out with the same kind of intensity. It is different in that Brett is a kinder person than Brian, he has been more honest about his feelings, and we've had more of a real relationship in these three months. I don't know if those differences are enough to make the outcome any different.

7. I cared a lot about Brian, but I didn't love him. I love Brett. I know it.

8. What if I were to get back together with him and he decides in a couple of months that he doesn't want to be with me at all? He says he loves me, but he's not "head over heels." Yesterday's letter said "something feels amiss" and he has a "nagging feeling." At what point would we know that that is not going to change?

9. Not wanting to be serious yet is one thing. Not knowing if I'm whom he wants to get serious with is something else entirely. I think after three months he would know. I think you either feel it or you don't.

10. I was looking forward to our developing a good sex life. We had some stumbles and I was hopeful that we would overcome them.

11. It was all I could do not to call him last night and ask him to come over. He called tonight in response to the message I left him on my myspace page. He asked a couple of times to see me tonight. I said no. I'm proud of myself for that.

12. Chicken-fried chicken is not as good as chicken-fried steak.

13. The problems we are having are in his head. I was fine with the way things were. The only thing we lacked was the girlfriend/boyfriend label and I didn't need that. Not yet, anyway. He wrote, "I'm not able to be what I should be at this time." I don't know what he "should be." I was fine with what he was.

14. I told him that I will call him tomorrow night. What the heck am I going to say?