It's not working

My embrace, indulge, extinguish plan is failing. UC (Usher Captain) was so cute tonight. He had on a different suit and tie. Dressier, hotter. I was watching him walk around, mentally kicking myself.

He confuses me. He makes it easy for me to read meaning in his actions. Just before the Eucharistic prayer, I deliberately stood on the right side because his wife sits on the left and he always used to kneel over there behind her. I figured this way when it was time for the Lord's prayer, he'd be over there and we wouldn't hold hands. No undue temptation, right? Wrong. He knelt next to me. I was so distracted. I kept thinking, "Why is he over here?" It made no sense. So the Lord's prayer came up. I kept my hands at my sides. He GRABBED my hand! Really. Why?! I was distracted again by the warmth of his hand and the firmness of his grip. Then it was time for the sign of peace. He always says, "Peace, 'Samsara.'" This time I looked into his eyes. (*Sigh* My mouth is watering right now as I'm thinking about it. I'm hopeless.) He shook the hands of all the other ushers, then went to his wife to kiss her. They always kiss, but I've noticed that it's a kiss on the cheek. What's the point of that? I don't mean he should tongue her down in the middle of Mass, but why not a peck on the lips?

After the closing hymn, the two of them walked up the side aisle. I thought maybe they had somewhere to go because he usually hangs around in the back and then cleans up litter in the pews. I looked again later and he was walking through the pews doing litter duty. I don't know what that was about. I walked out later and saw him walking to his truck. He waved at me and said bye. I continued walking on to my car. A minute later, the truck passed me and his wife was driving. She rolled down the window and said, "Bye, 'Samsara.'" I said, "Bye. Good night." And called her a name under my breath. (I know! Hopeless.) She rolled down the window to say bye to me. Why?!

I'm seriously considering asking the head usher if I can work another mass. When I initially signed up, he told me he wanted me to do 7:30 during football season to cover for the high school boys and after that was over, I could choose either 12:30 or 7:30. Maybe it's time to give 12:30 a shot. I overheard UC telling another usher that he won't be there next Sunday, so I have some time to think about it.