(Not) doing it

I've had sex on my mind a lot lately. Part of it is that Patrick writes me soft-core dirty emails. The other part is that as of February 16, it has been 2 years since I last had sex.

I told Lass that I don't know whether I should laugh or cry about that fact. I mean, on one hand, it means I've been strong enough to resist having casual sex because I really want to wait until I'm in a relationship with someone who I really care about. On the other hand, it means I haven't been in a relationship with someone who I really care about for 2 years.

Sometimes I think I should just go ahead and do it with someone and get over this "2 years" business. Perhaps I'm making it a bigger deal in my head than it needs to be. I know deep down, though, that's not what I really want. I had my share of casual sex in college because it's what everyone was doing (or so I thought). I never enjoyed it. I learned sex is much better for me when I have other-than-physical feelings for the guy. I also learned, after a disastrous three year relationship that was two years too long, that sex can bond me to a guy and make me ignore important warning signs. It's important for me to be sure of the relationship first, before the sex happens. And let's not forget that I believe premarital sex is a sin. I haven't had it since I converted, so I haven't had to face confessing it. It definitely would not be worth going through that trauma for mediocre sex.

So, I guess the bottom line is that I'm not going to be having sex anytime soon. Before the year of having sex with Brian, it had been 5 years. 5 years, 1 month, and 15 days to be exact. I've got another 3 years before I break that record.

Lord, I hope I don't break that record.