She speaks!

"Who remembers something about Hosea?"
"Did God make him marry a prostitute?"
"Yes, that's right. ..."
(Later)
"Who is speaking in this passage?"
"Mark."
"Mark. Right. ..."

That text in purple? Yeah. That was me tonight in Bible study! No, really, it was. I answered two questions without being called on. The second one I answered without waiting for a long silence! I'm so proud of me.

There were two other times that I knew an answer but didn't give it. The first time no one got it, and Father John pulled it out of the group by asking other questions. The second time another person said later what I had been thinking.

In analyzing why I sit there even when I know the answer, I've discovered that most of it is that I'm afraid I'll answer but no one will hear me except the people right next to me and I'll feel foolish. Or I'll start to answer and someone else will too and I'll feel foolish. That's why I typically wait to be called on or for there to be a period of silence. In either instance I'm sure I'll be heard.

I know intellectually that it makes no sense to feel foolish if my answer isn't heard or I speak at the same time as someone else. Those things happen all the time in group discussions and I never think anything of it if it happens to someone else. However, emotionally I think it will be so embarrassing. Sometimes I'll be sitting there with my heart pounding because I know the answer but I'm too afraid to try and speak. Oddly enough, my fear is not that my answer will be wrong. That could be because I don't even consider speaking unless I'm fairly certain I know the answer.

I know as time goes on, I'll get more comfortable and this won't be as much of an issue. The other people in the class will become increasingly familiar and regular attendance will make me feel like I belong. It was this way with my book club. I love book club because at the first couple of meetings, when I'd start to say something and others would talk over me, the leader would come back to me and say something like, "What were you saying, Robyn?" and everyone would listen. Frequently he asks a question and we go around the room as each person responds. I value having those opportunities to be heard. I've been in the group for almost a year now and know all the regulars, so it's easier for me to participate. I'm sure the same dynamic will be at work in Bible study.

Anyway, I'm proud of the progress I made tonight. By the fall, my classmates will be saying,"Jeez, won't she ever shut up?!"