Calling it quits

"Even though I know,
I don't want to know.
Yeah, I guess I know,
I just hate how it sounds."

That's from "One Thing" by Finger Eleven, and I'm taking it out of context, but it describes how I feel about my relationship with Etch. It's over. I know, I know. It's so horrible.

This past weekend was the third in a row that I haven't seen him. I should be so over keeping a tally of how much time we spend together, but I'm not. At any rate, I just don't see enough of him. We have averaged about twice a month. That's insane.

I already talked to him about how I needed to see more of him. He tried to do better I think. We went on a date, he came out to meet my friend Kevin, we took a mini road trip. It just didn't last. I said something again this past Sunday. My original plan was just to end it that day, but when the phone rang, my courage flew out the window. We talked again about how I want to see more of him, he said he'd do better, said he does miss me, but really had no good explanation as to why we don't see more of each other. He has been spending weekend nights with his family (and yes, I'm sure he's not lying). I know they are going through a rough patch, but damn. I asked why we sometimes spend hours on the phone when we could be together. He had no clear answer.

Immediately after the call, I felt better. Then I felt stupid. First, I think I sounded like I'm depending on him to entertain me or make me happy. That is not the case. I can go and do things, see other people, stay home and read, whatever. It's just that I like him and enjoy his company and want to see him. I don't think I made that clear to him. Second, why the hell am I having to ask a guy to make time for me? What the hell is that about? He either wants to or he doesn't.

So, I'm going to have to end it after all. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I had a whole speech prepared before, but it's not appropriate now. And my speeches never come out as I plan -- because I script the other person's responses and I'm not psychic. We're supposed to go to see fireworks on Sunday, so I'll probably do it after that.