Lent 2007

I was just re-reading last year's post about Lent. This year is pretty similar. I've gotten even more lax about my spirituality, although I've been improving in the last two weeks.

My plan for this year is to go to Stations of the Cross on the Fridays of Lent like I did last year. I didn't make it every week; I think I missed one or two, but it was a wonderful experience. This year I'm starting off in the hole. I had to miss this past Friday because of a hair appointment I made a month ago. Friday of this week I'll be in Chicago. I'll have to do the devotion myself sometime this week.

As far as giving something up, this year it's chocolate. I'm planning on going a step further and setting aside the money I'd spend on candy or ice cream and donating it. I haven't had any cravings yet, but when I do, I'll think about what I would buy and set that amount aside. I have read that at least part of the rationale for abstaining from meat on Fridays was to give the money that would have been spent on meat to the poor. I think the point of Lent is not merely to torture ourselves, but to sacrifice something and use that sacrifice in the service of others. That is what Christ did after all.

I give up

I've put off cleaning my apartment for weeks now. Every weekend I tell myself I'm going to do it. I never do. I kind of tidy up the kitchen and clean the litter box. That's it.

As pathetic as this may sound for a single person in a one bedroom apartment, I've decided to hire help. I was originally planning to hire a real maid, but I kept thinking I'd still have to tidy up the clutter because she wouldn't know where to put things. Instead I'm hiring my niece. She has cleaned for me once before in my last apartment (even smaller than this one). She's going to do it Thursday night so that it's clean before I leave for Chicago.

Now, if I can just get the laundry done tomorrow. Fluff-n-fold service is really tempting right now.

Push the Button

I was in Lass's favorite store, JoAnn, buying buttons to put on a skirt. It was taking me forever to decide. I'd pick up a pack, put it down, pick up another pack, put it down. I almost had my mind made up, had three packs of one style in my hand when I bent down to get a closer look at another pack. While I was down there, a woman came up behind me and said, "Ooh, I just bought those buttons." I looked up and it was Erykah Badu! I bought them. If they were good enough for her, they're good enough for me.

Happy Valentine's Day

I don't have a Valentine this year (just like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and ... you get the idea), but I don't care. I'm not too down about it. All I really care about is the candy. First I was thinking I'd buy myself some tomorrow when it will all be half-price. But I had a dentist's appointment this morning, and the receptionist was giving out heart-shaped boxes of candy. Probably trying to drum up business, but chocolate is chocolate!

Happy V-Day everybody!


Update: Chocolate isn't chocolate. The candies were soft centers. Definitely my least favorite. I ate the chocolate filled one, bit into and gagged on the strawberry and raspberry ones, and just bit and discarded the caramel. Oh, well. It's the thought that counts.

Results

As you know, the experiment has been concluded. I promised to tell you what I learned. I think casually dating someone for whom you have serious feelings can't be done. Granted, I didn't try for very long. But by the time I ended it, I was a wreck. For two days before the end I was having tremendous pain in my shoulder. I was all set to schedule a massage for myself. The second day I was almost in tears and popping ibuprofen like mad. I thought it was just general tension, poor posture, etc. But when I told Brett I couldn't date him anymore, my shoulder stopped hurting. I don't think it was instant; I just know the next day I thought, "Hey, I'm not in pain."

I can say that if I hadn't gone to the therapist and heard her say outright that I was fooling myself, I may have continued on. That was really the trigger. So, if you can live with blinders on, such an experiment might work for you. But do any of us really have time to waste on someone who doesn't want the same things we want? I don't think so.

It's hard because while I don't want to settle for less than what I deserve, by not dating Brett anymore, I don't have anything. In other words, I know I had a lot to lose. It's not like with Brian. He was a jerk and only wanted to see me on his terms for his purposes. There was nothing to lose there. I gained by (finally) dumping him. I know in the long-term I have gained by "dumping" Brett, too. In the short-term, not so much.

To mitigate the loss, I've decided to remain friends with him. Not stupid "I'm-just-waiting-till-you-change-your-mind" friends, but real platonic friends. He really is a good person and fun to be around. We went out Sunday for coffee. We talked and played cards. It was nice. This will definitely be an adjustment. I think it will be worth it.

Is it wrong?

I think I already know the answer to this, but: Is it wrong to update my resume at work when I'm using it to apply for another job? I haven't actually done it. I was all set to work on it tonight when I remembered I don't have Word on my laptop. I used to do my Paralegal homework in OpenOffice, then clean it up in Word when I got to work. That was probably wrong, too.

I've put off buying a copy because I know as soon as I do, I'll find the copy of Office 97 that I bought years ago. Brett mentioned a free download of a beta version of Office 07. I'll have to look for that. I could also try Google Docs, but I'm not confident formatting will be any better than OpenOffice.

It's done

I told Brett yesterday that I couldn't go out to dinner with him tonight. Something clicked in me Wednesday, especially after seeing the therapist, and I was horribly depressed. I just can't pretend anymore. I was torn about the dinner; I kept waffling back and forth about whether I should go and at least let that be our last date. I talked to my sister about it. She told me to be true to myself which is exactly what I haven't been lately. I had to cancel. What's the point of going on a romantic date when it's all a fake?

It was kind of awkward after I told him. It was by email. First he wrote, "What is going on?" I wrote, "Can we talk about this tonight?" I didn't want to get into it by email. He wrote back, "I guess I already know what's going on so you don't have to explain yourself." I thanked him for letting me off the hook. He wrote back, "Good luck. I think you're wonderful." I was a little thrown off by the 'good luck.' What does that mean? So, last night I wrote him and told him the part about how I haven't been true to myself. I didn't go into any long explanation because I know we've talked this issue to death. I told him that I sincerely want to be friends with him. He wrote back that he'd love to be my friend.

I don't know how this is going to work out. I really value his friendship, and he has told me that I'm his best friend. I don't know if that will continue. I don't think I can see him just yet, but I'd love to continue to talk to him on the phone. I'm not calling though. I consider writing to him last night as reaching out. I want him to make the next move when he's ready.