It's done

I told Brett yesterday that I couldn't go out to dinner with him tonight. Something clicked in me Wednesday, especially after seeing the therapist, and I was horribly depressed. I just can't pretend anymore. I was torn about the dinner; I kept waffling back and forth about whether I should go and at least let that be our last date. I talked to my sister about it. She told me to be true to myself which is exactly what I haven't been lately. I had to cancel. What's the point of going on a romantic date when it's all a fake?

It was kind of awkward after I told him. It was by email. First he wrote, "What is going on?" I wrote, "Can we talk about this tonight?" I didn't want to get into it by email. He wrote back, "I guess I already know what's going on so you don't have to explain yourself." I thanked him for letting me off the hook. He wrote back, "Good luck. I think you're wonderful." I was a little thrown off by the 'good luck.' What does that mean? So, last night I wrote him and told him the part about how I haven't been true to myself. I didn't go into any long explanation because I know we've talked this issue to death. I told him that I sincerely want to be friends with him. He wrote back that he'd love to be my friend.

I don't know how this is going to work out. I really value his friendship, and he has told me that I'm his best friend. I don't know if that will continue. I don't think I can see him just yet, but I'd love to continue to talk to him on the phone. I'm not calling though. I consider writing to him last night as reaching out. I want him to make the next move when he's ready.