I went back to my local alehouse tonight. I talked to two guys! The first one was a man on my right. As I turned that way to put my keys in my purse, I said, "How are you?" He answered and then started talking. We talked about Catholicism, schools, the British Empire, and the Gobi Desert for about half an hour. When he left, Tony (I met him last week) waved at me and then walked over. We talked about golf, painting, my schooling, his former career, dogs, and tattoos for another half hour. He seems to know all the regulars and pointed out the owners of the place and a couple of other people. Everyone seems pretty laid-back and normal. I'm going to like this place.
I've had sex on my mind a lot lately. Part of it is that Patrick writes me soft-core dirty emails. The other part is that as of February 16, it has been 2 years since I last had sex.
I told Lass that I don't know whether I should laugh or cry about that fact. I mean, on one hand, it means I've been strong enough to resist having casual sex because I really want to wait until I'm in a relationship with someone who I really care about. On the other hand, it means I haven't been in a relationship with someone who I really care about for 2 years.
Sometimes I think I should just go ahead and do it with someone and get over this "2 years" business. Perhaps I'm making it a bigger deal in my head than it needs to be. I know deep down, though, that's not what I really want. I had my share of casual sex in college because it's what everyone was doing (or so I thought). I never enjoyed it. I learned sex is much better for me when I have other-than-physical feelings for the guy. I also learned, after a disastrous three year relationship that was two years too long, that sex can bond me to a guy and make me ignore important warning signs. It's important for me to be sure of the relationship first, before the sex happens. And let's not forget that I believe premarital sex is a sin. I haven't had it since I converted, so I haven't had to face confessing it. It definitely would not be worth going through that trauma for mediocre sex.
So, I guess the bottom line is that I'm not going to be having sex anytime soon. Before the year of having sex with Brian, it had been 5 years. 5 years, 1 month, and 15 days to be exact. I've got another 3 years before I break that record.
Lord, I hope I don't break that record.
"Who remembers something about Hosea?"
"Did God make him marry a prostitute?"
"Yes, that's right. ..."
(Later)
"Who is speaking in this passage?"
"Mark."
"Mark. Right. ..."
That text in purple? Yeah. That was me tonight in Bible study! No, really, it was. I answered two questions without being called on. The second one I answered without waiting for a long silence! I'm so proud of me.
There were two other times that I knew an answer but didn't give it. The first time no one got it, and Father John pulled it out of the group by asking other questions. The second time another person said later what I had been thinking.
In analyzing why I sit there even when I know the answer, I've discovered that most of it is that I'm afraid I'll answer but no one will hear me except the people right next to me and I'll feel foolish. Or I'll start to answer and someone else will too and I'll feel foolish. That's why I typically wait to be called on or for there to be a period of silence. In either instance I'm sure I'll be heard.
I know intellectually that it makes no sense to feel foolish if my answer isn't heard or I speak at the same time as someone else. Those things happen all the time in group discussions and I never think anything of it if it happens to someone else. However, emotionally I think it will be so embarrassing. Sometimes I'll be sitting there with my heart pounding because I know the answer but I'm too afraid to try and speak. Oddly enough, my fear is not that my answer will be wrong. That could be because I don't even consider speaking unless I'm fairly certain I know the answer.
I know as time goes on, I'll get more comfortable and this won't be as much of an issue. The other people in the class will become increasingly familiar and regular attendance will make me feel like I belong. It was this way with my book club. I love book club because at the first couple of meetings, when I'd start to say something and others would talk over me, the leader would come back to me and say something like, "What were you saying, Robyn?" and everyone would listen. Frequently he asks a question and we go around the room as each person responds. I value having those opportunities to be heard. I've been in the group for almost a year now and know all the regulars, so it's easier for me to participate. I'm sure the same dynamic will be at work in Bible study.
Anyway, I'm proud of the progress I made tonight. By the fall, my classmates will be saying,"Jeez, won't she ever shut up?!"
Tomorrow night I begin my quest to become a regular at a neighborhood bar. It's going to be a way to meet people, learn how to make small talk, feel like I fit in, and most of all stop being a chicken! Okay, there is a little chicken-ness involved as I had to go scope it out with V first. I'm not exactly walking in cold.
I'm going to stop in after work. It's my plan to go every Tuesday. I'm going to have a Franziskaner and some appetizer or other (they're half-price on Tuesdays). I figure in about a month the bartender will say, "The usual?" and that will be so cool!
Patrick wrote again. This time he asked for more pictures and I sent them. We sent some emails back and forth. He was still a little dirty but not as much. He said he was having some fantasies about me, but thankfully he didn't tell me what they were.
I don't understand how he can be having erotic thoughts about a person he hardly knows. Doesn't he want to get to know me first before he decides he wants to do me? Does my personality even matter? And what if I smell bad, or what if I'm constantly scratching my can? It just seems like his conversation is moving faster than is warranted.
I think Brian and I talked about sex pretty early on, like in our first phone conversation, but it was just sex in general, not sex with each other. I'm still trying to figure out what the difference is. It's probably that we met in person and had had some small talk conversation walking to the parking lot after work before he asked for my phone number. I'll admit I had had erotic thoughts about him before we talked, but I didn't tell him that. Perhaps it's that openness I'm not used to. Patrick can have all the thoughts he wants; he doesn't have to share them with me. But I think we all know it's unlikely I'll have the nerve to tell him to pipe down. I'll just continue to ignore the embarrassing parts.
I just got back from the Youth Ministry thing. While it wasn't the worst two and half hours of my life, I'm not going back. I don't think it's the right ministry for me.
The priest wanted me and another volunteer to greet the kids as they came in, ask their grade, and seat them accordingly. I have a problem greeting people. Goofy, I know. But if a person doesn't make eye contact with me, it's very hard for me to call out a hello and stop them to ask questions. Most of the kids just ran in and it was clear they didn't want to talk to us. We just took turns saying hello, then following them in to make sure they didn't sit in the back.
After the Mass, the kids had free play for about 20 minutes, then we broke into small groups. I was assigned to the 7th/8th grade group with 3 other volunteers. I said maybe two words the whole time. Again, not my thing. Our topic was patron saints. I had ideas of things to say, but in group settings, I don't usually talk unless someone calls on me or there's an extended silence and I know it'll be okay to talk. Well, if I'm one of the leaders, who's going to call on me? Exactly. So I just smiled and nodded through the whole thing.
Following small groups was snack time, free play, and then some hopping game. The priest asked the adults to stay after and give some suggestions. At the end he asked who would be coming back. There were some yeses, a couple of maybes, and I didn't say anything. Thankfully, he didn't ask me straight out. If he happens to call and ask me, I'll just say that I don't think it's the right ministry for me. I didn't like teaching before and I still don't. The kids were good and the other volunteers were nice. It's just not something I want to do.
I know the discomfort with greeting people is a symptom of my shyness, however, I don't want to try and conquer that just yet. I was proud of myself for making small talk with the other volunteers while the kids were in the Mass. I can continue improving on that in some other venue, like at the singles' prayer group.
Craigslist. Yeah, I keep telling myself that not everyone using it is weird. After all, I'm using it and I'm not weird. But of all the guys I've met on there, only one has been relatively normal. Unfortunately, I haven't spoken with him in about 6 months.
So last Saturday, V and I took my laptop to a bar with wifi and posted a personals ad. A ton of guys responded and I've continued corresponding with one of them. Patrick sent us some hilarious emails. He had us in stitches. But then Tuesday, the emails took a turn. Among other things, he asked if I would take my top off on a topless beach and what kind of sexy outfit I'd wear in order to seduce him. I was vague in my answer to the topless beach question and I ignored the sexy outfit one. My mistake was in answering this one: "Do your bra and panties have to match for you to go out?" I said that they don't and then added, "Who says I'm wearing panties anyway?" I think I opened the door because it was all downhill from there.
His next email included this line: "Your hair, and smile make me think very seriously about taking you, bending you over the......wait a minute, I am getting ahead of myself...." V convinced me that he was probably being funny, not purposely dirty. That made sense because he'd been funny all along. I wrote back keeping it clean. His response included more sex questions, e.g., how would I rate my sex drive and where is the "secret spot" I like to be touched. I didn't answer the questions. I wrote that I couldn't bear to answer any more questions by email. He asked if I'd like to talk on the phone and that's where I've left it.
Ugh. I'm not a prude. I'm just not comfortable talking about sex with strangers. He had such a great sense of humor at first. I was really looking forward to meeting him and having fun. I don't know why he had to start the sex talk. Anyway, I'm not going to give him my phone number. At this point I'm still interested in meeting him. In a public place. With clear boundaries set. And both of his hands on the table.
Sunday I was at the Ushers' Luncheon. The youth priest came up to me and asked if I would help with the youth mass on Sunday afternoons. I asked the ages of the kids. He said they're between 5th and 12th grade. About 40 kids attend. I agreed. He said they have mass from 4-4:45 and then some sort of activity until 6. I'm not real sure what I'm supposed to do.
He left me a message tonight asking me to call him to discuss the job he has for me. I'll call tomorrow. This guy has also been my confessor. If I start working with him, I'll probably have to go to someone else. I'll be too afraid he'll recognize my voice!
I used to say that when I get married this would be the biggest holiday for my husband and me. I hardly ever had a valentine, so I thought I'd make up for those years later. Now, I still don't have a valentine, but the holiday just doesn't seem all that significant. I don't really want to receive overpriced flowers and candy. Well, I wouldn't mind some candy. Heehee. The thing is, I'd like to receive tokens of love throughout the year. Those "just thinking of you" things would be far more meaningful than something my partner bought because he thinks he's supposed to.
Oddly enough, this doesn't apply to my birthday and Christmas. Perhaps it's because those events are meaningful in themselves. St. Valentine's Day is a "real" holiday but the history of it is not especially significant to me.
I think it also depends on the gift. My friend N. got diamond earrings from her boyfriend. Jewelry is something I'd actually use. It's not some one-day-a-year item that I won't look at twice. I don't want a big, red, singing teddy bear that I'm not going to have a place for. I don't want one of those filled balloons that are for sale on every corner the weekend before. Or, the worst gift I ever got: a wicker basket filled with silk roses. Bleh.
A good Valentine's Day celebration for me would include a quiet dinner, a thoughtful card or letter, and maybe a non-valentine's-y gift.
I'm finally joining the 21st century!
I bought a laptop with my Christmas bonus and thought I'd put it to use by creating a blog. But what to write about? Sure I'll write about daily goings-on -- as if anyone other than me is interested -- but I decided it would be good to use it to track my progress as I try to overcome my shyness.
Samsara means many things. Its basis is in Hinduism and Buddhism and it refers primarily to reincarnation. I like the translation endless wanderings (hence the address) because it evokes what I think life is. Okay, it's not really "endless," but life can feel like a constant procession along an indirect route, sometimes without a definite purpose.
An alternate translation is rebirth. If all goes well, this translation will apply to my transformation into a non-shy person. I think the change will be gradual and difficult. Chronicling it should help me better see my accomplishments and provide motivation for me to continue the work.
And so it begins ...
