Yeah, well

I had my first session with the therapist this morning. I think she is going to help me a lot. She shoots straight, that's for sure. She told me I'm fooling myself about Brett. Her exact words. No fluff, no sugar coating. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but definitely what I needed to hear. So now I don't have to figure out what I should do. And yes, I probably knew that all along. I told her I need courage to do what I have to. ...After our date at Ruth's Chris this weekend, that is. ;-)

Inspiration

This article by Jan Denise has really inspired me to stop complaining and start changing. I want to figure out what it is I want in life and then take real steps to achieve it. It's not hopeless.

Ideal Is Waiting For You

Valentine's Day taps your fantasy. You may be perfectly content until Cupid rears his head with images of what could be … and makes that frozen dinner in front of the TV look downright pitiful.

Don't confuse you with pitiful!

Close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax. As you get sleepier, imagine your ideal romantic relationship. Look at the details. How do you feel? What do you look like? Where are you? What are you doing? Who is your partner?

Wake up, but don't dismiss your dream as impossible.

Next, close your eyes and look objectively at your life as it is. Look at the details, and ask yourself the same questions.

Again, don't confuse you with pitiful.

Identify the disparities between the two pictures. What stops you from living your ideal life? Is it really your ideal life … or is it just some fantasy you conjured up when you were 16?

Whenever and whatever, you created the fantasy. You also created the reality. You can change both.

Now, be honest with yourself. Are you "perfectly content" until Cupid shows up? Or are you perfectly complacent?

When YOU live up to your ideal, so does your reality.

Take the time to know what your ideal relationship — and life — really looks like. Then go about living them. You don't have to change who you are; you simply have to be who you are! And you have nothing better or more important to do!

If in your fantasy (today's) you weigh 10 pounds less, lose the weight. If you smile instead of complaining, smile. If kissing is more important than working, kiss more. If you live someplace else, move.

If you have a partner, collaborate. Don't arbitrarily pick your fantasy over your partner's and then try to squeeze him or her into a mold that doesn't fit.
Find out what does fit.

Maybe the city doesn't fit both of you. Maybe the country doesn't. Maybe the beach does.

Maybe you are too tired in the morning. Maybe he is too tired at night. Maybe you are both awake and amorous in the afternoon.

Come on, this is important. Take the time to figure out how to be you and still be coupled with the one you love.

Forget about all the excuses to go without and be unhappy. The only thing that stands in your way is you. You can and will be as happy as you want to be.

If you are not motivated to live the life you want, you haven't really imagined it yet. Close your eyes again and raise the bar. See whether there's a dream inside that you have suppressed, one that inspires your strength and creativity … one that feels so much like you that it seems possible.

There is nothing pitiful about you! If you want that frozen dinner, eat it with a smile and nothing to prove. Eat it and have time to paint or read or stretch your muscles. If you don't want that frozen dinner, give it to somebody who does.

Don't wait for Valentine's Day to live your fantasy. You can't live your fantasy one day a year. You can't magically be transformed to fit into the picture.

You can be transformed, though. So can your fantasy. And when one reflects the other, every day is Valentine's Day or some other perfectly YOU day.

Close your eyes, and release the to-do list and self-imposed boundaries. What do you see that you want to make your reality today?

Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the book "Naked Relationships," speaker and coach based in Ormond by the Sea, Fla. Please e-mail her at jandenise@nakedrelationships.com, or visit her Web site at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Confession

After almost five months I finally went to confession. I wanted to have either Fr. Vic or Fr. Phillip hear it. Traffic conspired against me on Thursday when Fr. Vic was on duty, so I left work early on Friday to get to Fr. Phillip. He hears confession on campus, but there is always a long line even if I get there 10 minutes early. I took no chances this time and got there 20 minutes early. Even so, I was 3rd in line. I felt better afterward, and I'm looking forward to finally being able to receive Communion on Sunday.

"Confession of our faults is the next thing to innocence."
- Publilius Syrus, Maxim 1060.

I hope this means he'll be occupied

Earlier I wrote that my new favorite show is The First 48. I especially love it when the episode includes a Dallas case. Memphis is my second favorite because Carolyn Mason is a real badass.

I almost hate it when it's in Miami because Detective Joe Schillaci annoys me to no end. They let him monologue about his past, his inner feelings, and whatever other crap he wants to wax on about overemotionally. When a young woman was the victim, we had to watch him get all misty and call his daughter at the crack of dawn. Yeah, I'm sure that didn't freak her out at all. When the investigation took him to a drug den, we had to listen to him go on and on about his former career as an undercover narcotics officer. This monologue came complete with pictures of him in his various disguises. The last episode I watched, we saw him get the call to report while he was at home. We had to watch him in the bathroom getting dressed and slicking his hair back, yakking the whole time. He's Joe Pesci's less-talented, overcompensating brother. Ugh. Now I read he's getting his own show. I hope this means he won't be on The First 48 so much. But apparently, according to his website, we A&E viewers have made him our favorite. Not likely. That is, except for those viewers who can't even spell 'Yay.'

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I just love you guys...I saw the promo last night for the first time and my husband thought I was nuts cause I jumped up dancing yelling Yaaaaaaaaaa...lol"

That poor woman.

The experiment so far

I don't know what the heck I'm doing. I feel so confused all the time. Not talking to Brett sometimes and being in control of when we see each other was empowering at first. Now I feel like I'm totally out of control, and he's not in control either, so there's no real direction. I change my mind constantly about what I want, I have no clue where this is heading, and I'm in almost constant conflict. I've already decided I'm calling on Monday to get an appointment with a therapist. I need professional, objective help in sorting this out.

So here's what's happened so far:

Brett and I went for coffee on Monday and had a nice time. He asked me if I'd like to go out at night sometime. It was exactly the same way he asked me out the first time we met. It was so cute. I said yes. We stayed out only for a couple of hours. He asked if I wanted to get something to eat, but I didn't. When he dropped me off, he said that he hoped we could go on a longer date sometime. That made me feel good. I have been afraid that he's just trying to let me down easy; that he really doesn't want to date me, but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. But, his saying those things on Monday was reassuring.

Tuesday night we talked and he asked if we could spend the night together. I said no. Thursday night he asked if I wanted him to bring food over. I had already eaten and my place was a mess, so I suggested that I go over to his place after he got something to eat and after I watched my new favorite show, The First 48. We spent the night together and it was nice, like old times. (No s-e-x. That's been settled.)

We have had a lot of contact in the last week. Originally I said I didn't want to talk to him everyday, but that has fallen by the wayside. There's always something that comes up for us to talk about. We have great conversations.

I want to see him this weekend, but I also want to see if I can go a whole weekend without talking to him (See, conflict. I told you!). For now, my phone is turned off and I'm going to work on cleaning my apartment.

Tick Tock Tick Tock ad nauseum

I bought a clock at IKEA over the summer. I searched and made sure that the clock I bought didn't have a second hand because ticking drives me insane. Brett hung the clock for me several months ago and everything was fine. No ticking. I made sure to listen for it.

Then, about a month ago, I was watching a movie and I kept hearing ticking. At first I thought it was some weird sound effect. It was an independent movie after all. Lol. I muted the sound on the TV, but still heard the ticking. I discovered that it was the clock! How on earth could that happen? No ticking for months, then it just starts ticking? And there's no second hand? It's obviously the works in the back making the noise, but I have no idea how to stop it.

For once, I'm grateful for my refrigerator cycling on. That's the only thing that consistently drowns out the ticking. Right now I'm sitting on the couch with headphones on listening to my Launchcast station. I can still hear the ticking though. I suppose I could crank up the volume and deafen myself. That'd be one way to stop hearing the ticking! I'll have to look harder for a clock that markets itself as silent. Or go digital, though that's not as aesthetically pleasing.

If you've ever wondered ...

...what it's like to casually date someone whom you already love, I'm conducting an experiment just for you!

Sunday Brett and I spent the day together. We saw Children of Men, had coffee at my favorite coffee shop, went out to eat, then came back to my place for one last roll in the hay. I really don't know what things are going to be like from now on. He says constantly that he still wants to date me, he wants us to stay in each other's lives. I want those things too. I have really come to depend on his friendship.

I've set only two ground rules: 1) No daily contact and 2) No s-e-x. He doesn't want to be in a serious relationship, so we've got to take the seriousness out, and those are the only ways I know how to do it. Again, I have no clue how this will all turn out. I'm hoping to be able to date other people, if for nothing else than to occupy my time. I think he may date other people too. I don't want to ask.

Today was the first day of no daily contact. This is only the second day since we started corresponding back in September that we haven't contacted each other in some way. The first day was when I asked him to give me a day to process the break-up. Other than that we have written, texted, IMed or called each other every day, usually multiple times per day. That seems so crazy! We really hit the ground running, you know?

I've never been in a situation like this. We're essentially going backwards. I don't know if that can be done successfully. At the very least I hope we remain friends. This experiment isn't going to be scientific, but I'll let you know what I learn from it.

Update: Brett texted me and asked if he could call. I said yes and we talked for half an hour about some news he had gotten about friends. So maybe tomorrow will be the second day ever during which we don't contact each other. Lol.