Calling it quits

"Even though I know,
I don't want to know.
Yeah, I guess I know,
I just hate how it sounds."

That's from "One Thing" by Finger Eleven, and I'm taking it out of context, but it describes how I feel about my relationship with Etch. It's over. I know, I know. It's so horrible.

This past weekend was the third in a row that I haven't seen him. I should be so over keeping a tally of how much time we spend together, but I'm not. At any rate, I just don't see enough of him. We have averaged about twice a month. That's insane.

I already talked to him about how I needed to see more of him. He tried to do better I think. We went on a date, he came out to meet my friend Kevin, we took a mini road trip. It just didn't last. I said something again this past Sunday. My original plan was just to end it that day, but when the phone rang, my courage flew out the window. We talked again about how I want to see more of him, he said he'd do better, said he does miss me, but really had no good explanation as to why we don't see more of each other. He has been spending weekend nights with his family (and yes, I'm sure he's not lying). I know they are going through a rough patch, but damn. I asked why we sometimes spend hours on the phone when we could be together. He had no clear answer.

Immediately after the call, I felt better. Then I felt stupid. First, I think I sounded like I'm depending on him to entertain me or make me happy. That is not the case. I can go and do things, see other people, stay home and read, whatever. It's just that I like him and enjoy his company and want to see him. I don't think I made that clear to him. Second, why the hell am I having to ask a guy to make time for me? What the hell is that about? He either wants to or he doesn't.

So, I'm going to have to end it after all. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I had a whole speech prepared before, but it's not appropriate now. And my speeches never come out as I plan -- because I script the other person's responses and I'm not psychic. We're supposed to go to see fireworks on Sunday, so I'll probably do it after that.

Equal time

I figure if I complain about them, I have to tell when they do something good.

On Friday I went to my sister's house to say goodbye to my niece and nephew who were leaving for college on Saturday. During the visit, my sister and her husband whispered to each other and then left the house. When they came back, her husband handed me $100!

Can you believe it? Sure it's only a drop in the bucket of debt they owe me, but it's the thought that counts. I was totally impressed.

Things come to those who wait

That's right. Just "things." Not "good things," just things.

Friends, it was awful. I hope Etch never discovers this blog because he would kill me for telling, but that was the most disappointing sexual experience ever. Tuesday night was bad, and I thought it was just because I had built up the whole experience in my head so much and for so long. But then we tried again Wednesday morning, and it was all I could do not to cry. I'm serious, here. I was literally holding back tears. (God, please don't ever let him read this. Thanks. Love, Samsara.)

You want to know what went wrong, don't you? Both episodes lasted no more than 5 minutes. Guess what? I mean 5 minutes TOTAL. Each one was 2 minutes tops. I swear to you that I am not exaggerating. Not to be too graphic -- okay, yes I'm going to be graphic; kids, turn your heads -- there were maybe 8 thrusts the first time and 4 or 5 the second time. Not even "rhythmic" ones. He was trying so hard not to "finish" that he never even established a "groove," if you know what I mean.

You all know that I'm a conspiracy theorist at heart, so my first thought was that he did it on purpose because he really didn't want to do it with me and I kind of sprang it on him. But Wednesday morning was all him. We were making out on the couch, and I asked if we could try again. He said he didn't think he could do any better than the night before, so I said okay and told him I wouldn't push it (hee). But a few minutes later he was walking into the bedroom and told me to come with him. Then he asked where the condoms were. So he must have wanted to, right? He apologized profusely, said he was embarrassed, seemed to feel really bad about it. No self-respecting guy would do that to himself, right?

Anyway, I have no idea what to do now. Of course I still like him a whole lot. We spent the whole day together Wednesday on a mini road trip. And the making out is wonderful, but I need more than that. At this point, I'm not going to bring it up again. We talked about it enough, I think. He said it doesn't happen that way all the time. The only explanation he could give is that (graphic ->) I'm "just so soft and slippery" down there. Maybe if we didn't spend so much time on foreplay? I don't know.

My only plan now is to wait and see if we he wants to make another attempt. I think I'll just collapse if it's this bad again. I couldn't have a long-term relationship like this. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Girl, you'll be a woman soon

If everything goes according to plan, tonight is the night. That's right. I'm going to do it with Etch tonight. I know I was supposed to wait six months, but I can't wait anymore. Three months isn't so bad, is it?

I went to buy condoms this morning, and I was giddy in the "Planning & Protection" aisle. It was funny! Thankfully no one was around.

I'm so nervous! I hope it all goes well. Wish me luck!

Confidence, you say?

So, it turns out I didn't ruin everything. Why do I worry so? Just Some Guy (aka Nigel) suggested in previous comments that I get some self-confidence, but we all know that's easier said than done.

Anyway, here's the update. I called Etch on Wednesday and we had a great, normal conversation. I mentioned that I was taking vacation in a couple of weeks and he said that we'll have to do something together. He told me to think of what I wanted to do. Later he was talking about his sister. He said that when she finishes this next round of chemo, he wants to have a get-together for her, and he'd like for me to come and meet her. He said, "I just want a few people there, only the people who are important to me." What's that strange feeling? Is that security? You mean there's an opposite to insecurity?

Then the even better part: He called me Saturday morning and asked if I'd like to see a movie! I was so excited. We saw Lady in the Water. It was so good to see him, and I made sure to let him know. There was lots of hand-holding and smooching, and lots of laughs, too. It was great!

So, last post I said he could try to do better or he could decide we'd stop seeing each other. Looks like he chose the former, and I'm glad! He likes me, I know he likes me. Everything is going to be fine. How's that for confidence?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

I took a big chance last night, and although I felt completely calm about it then, I'm sorta freaking out now.

I told Etch that I can't go another three weeks without seeing him again. I saw him Friday, but before that I hadn't seen him since the fireworks show on July 3rd. Granted, we talk on the phone nearly every day now. Still, I miss seeing him and being with him. He was supposed to go with me to a party on Saturday, but when he backed out, I had a mini-breakdown on the phone with V. I think it was because I had been anticipating having him at the party with me for so long, I just sort of snapped.

Now, he has had more than sufficient reasons for not being able to spend time with me, and I'm doing my best to be understanding. After the fireworks, he had to prepare for Comic-Con, and then he was at/traveling to and from Comic-Con for a little over a week. The other thing preoccupying him is that his sister has just been diagnosed with a very serious form of cancer and she is not doing well at all. He didn't go to the party because he was upset about her and didn't feel up to it. I totally understand that he's going through a horribly difficult time right now.

Am I being completely selfish? I told him that I don't want to put pressure on him, and I'm not threatening him ("If I don't see you within 3 weeks, it's over"). It's just that I want to see more of him. The good news is that he said he feels the same way. The bad news is that he said he doesn't expect me to wait around for him; he knows I have my own life (translation: "you can see other people").

Now I'm on pins and needles because I'm afraid he's going to call me tonight and say that he can't give me what I want and that we should stop seeing each other. It was not my intent to put any demands on him. I just want him to know that I really like him, and I miss him when we're not together. Sure I can see other people. Hell, I have seen other people. I don't want to see other people. I didn't tell him all that, though. I'm afraid I've broken enough rules with what I did say.

I'm consoling myself by reminding me that I was just being honest. I can't be faulted for that. Last night I was all, "If he dumps me, then maybe that's for the best because I really do need to see more of him. It can only go one of two ways: he can try to do better or we stop seeing each other. The ball is in his court." Where is all that bravado now? I don't want to lose him. But again, I was just stating my true feelings. There's nothing wrong with that, right? The timing is not the best, I know. I told him that patience is not my strong suit, but I will try harder.

I hope this turns out well. ... Whatever that means.