What do you do when a family member is not someone who you would want to have a relationship with?
My oldest sister falls into that category. She and her husband have become people that I wouldn't tolerate. They borrowed $4,600 from me years ago with the promise to repay in a matter of months. I've seen maybe $200. I have never asked for the money back, and I think I probably should have. But I always felt sorry for them because they're always in a bind of some sort. They borrowed the money to cover their mortgage payments and then ended up losing the house anyway. I never understood how they could have cable, eat out, buy expensive clothes for their kids, etc., yet the house payment wasn't made?! Seems to me, that would come first. I know I've built up a lot of resentment because of this. My former therapist suggested that I ask them to start a repayment plan, even if it was just $25 a month. I never got up the nerve. And then IT happened.
IT -- my brother-in-law gave my sister a black eye. Now, they've gotten into fights before. He's pushed her down, he's pulled a gun on her, she's left and gone back. For a while it was occuring on a two-year cycle. This was the first time she ever called the police on him, so I was encouraged, thinking she'd finally leave the jerk. I had blamed his stupidity for all their problems. After the fight, I had her come to stay with me for a few days while he was in jail. She was dying to go back home. I'll never understand why. He started emailing her his profuse apologies (she forwarded them to our other sister who told me about them), and the next thing we knew, she was going downtown to drop the charges. It began to dawn on me that she was just as sick as he is. This last fight included my niece who he called all kinds of names. She even pulled two of his dreadlocks out. Anyway, my sister told my niece that she didn't want to have to choose between them (WTF?) and that she wanted her 'family' together.
As the rest of the family talked about it, other parts of the story came out. I had never told anyone about the money they owed me. It turns out they owe everyone. I learned about the seriousness of the other fights. And I learned the basis of this last fight (he re-financed the house without telling my sister).
Now, I look at them with a whole different viewpoint. In all honesty, they sicken me.
They have taken my nephew's savings of $1,000 and kicked him out when he objected to it. (He caved and went back home after a day.) They have told him that he should let his car be repossessed because it needs expensive repairs.
My niece is so incredibly greedy I can't even believe it. She graduates tomorrow. They were not sending me an invitation because they wanted to send one to a woman who helped my mother watch her when she was an infant. We haven't spoken to this woman in years, and she gets an invitation before I do? My niece said they're sending her one because, "We need money." And then, when my sister started addressing an invitation to me because I insisted, my niece said, "That's a wasted invitation." I told her, "I don't appreciate being called a waste," and she apologized. It's all I can do to go to this graduation tomorrow and give her a gift. I'm trying to tell myself it's not her fault: she can't help the way she was raised.
(I'm leaving out all the drama between them and my other sister. But trust me, it's just as bad if not worse.)
I have asked my other sister to pray for me so that I won't become hard-hearted. I want to care about them because they're family. I just don't like to be around them. And my brother-in-law is all in our faces trying to let us know that he's changed, and my sister encourages it. Blech. Why does she think her situation is any different from those of the millions of other domestic violence victims?
I don't know what, if anything, I can do. My plan now is just to limit my exposure to them. I used to feel obligated to attend all family gatherings. Not anymore. I have a choice, and I'm going to exercise it. It would probably be healthier to air my grievances and try to heal wounds, but I know they would not be receptive to it. I just hope they don't set me off in some way and I explode.
