Confidence, you say?

So, it turns out I didn't ruin everything. Why do I worry so? Just Some Guy (aka Nigel) suggested in previous comments that I get some self-confidence, but we all know that's easier said than done.

Anyway, here's the update. I called Etch on Wednesday and we had a great, normal conversation. I mentioned that I was taking vacation in a couple of weeks and he said that we'll have to do something together. He told me to think of what I wanted to do. Later he was talking about his sister. He said that when she finishes this next round of chemo, he wants to have a get-together for her, and he'd like for me to come and meet her. He said, "I just want a few people there, only the people who are important to me." What's that strange feeling? Is that security? You mean there's an opposite to insecurity?

Then the even better part: He called me Saturday morning and asked if I'd like to see a movie! I was so excited. We saw Lady in the Water. It was so good to see him, and I made sure to let him know. There was lots of hand-holding and smooching, and lots of laughs, too. It was great!

So, last post I said he could try to do better or he could decide we'd stop seeing each other. Looks like he chose the former, and I'm glad! He likes me, I know he likes me. Everything is going to be fine. How's that for confidence?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

I took a big chance last night, and although I felt completely calm about it then, I'm sorta freaking out now.

I told Etch that I can't go another three weeks without seeing him again. I saw him Friday, but before that I hadn't seen him since the fireworks show on July 3rd. Granted, we talk on the phone nearly every day now. Still, I miss seeing him and being with him. He was supposed to go with me to a party on Saturday, but when he backed out, I had a mini-breakdown on the phone with V. I think it was because I had been anticipating having him at the party with me for so long, I just sort of snapped.

Now, he has had more than sufficient reasons for not being able to spend time with me, and I'm doing my best to be understanding. After the fireworks, he had to prepare for Comic-Con, and then he was at/traveling to and from Comic-Con for a little over a week. The other thing preoccupying him is that his sister has just been diagnosed with a very serious form of cancer and she is not doing well at all. He didn't go to the party because he was upset about her and didn't feel up to it. I totally understand that he's going through a horribly difficult time right now.

Am I being completely selfish? I told him that I don't want to put pressure on him, and I'm not threatening him ("If I don't see you within 3 weeks, it's over"). It's just that I want to see more of him. The good news is that he said he feels the same way. The bad news is that he said he doesn't expect me to wait around for him; he knows I have my own life (translation: "you can see other people").

Now I'm on pins and needles because I'm afraid he's going to call me tonight and say that he can't give me what I want and that we should stop seeing each other. It was not my intent to put any demands on him. I just want him to know that I really like him, and I miss him when we're not together. Sure I can see other people. Hell, I have seen other people. I don't want to see other people. I didn't tell him all that, though. I'm afraid I've broken enough rules with what I did say.

I'm consoling myself by reminding me that I was just being honest. I can't be faulted for that. Last night I was all, "If he dumps me, then maybe that's for the best because I really do need to see more of him. It can only go one of two ways: he can try to do better or we stop seeing each other. The ball is in his court." Where is all that bravado now? I don't want to lose him. But again, I was just stating my true feelings. There's nothing wrong with that, right? The timing is not the best, I know. I told him that patience is not my strong suit, but I will try harder.

I hope this turns out well. ... Whatever that means.

Run on

I've been looking for a hobby, and I think I've found one. It's running. I started the Couch-to-5K Running Plan last week. I'm stuck on the first stage still, but I noticed yesterday that I got a little farther before my shins started killing me.

I got some great advice from a man at my church, Dave, who has run more than 130 marathons. He's 68 years old and runs no less than 10 miles every morning. I talked to him on Sunday, and he had run 22 miles on Saturday and 11 miles before church. He told me not to just run on the treadmill. He drew me a map to a local trail that he recommends, then decided he'd just show me. So, we met at his house after church and walked the trail. That was so nice of him! I plan to go there tomorrow morning as I have the day off. He also told me to run some everyday, not 3 days a week like the plan says. I noticed this week that I'm not as sore even though I've been running everyday. I'm going to try to run a complete first stage session tomorrow, then move on to stage two.

My goal is to run the State Fair 5K on Sept. 30. I told Dave I just want to finish without being last. He told me not even to worry about being last -- who cares? He said there's nothing wrong with walking some during the race; that's not against the rules. But he also added, "That's what I do when I run a 50-mile race. I run for an hour, then walk a little bit." Gee, thanks Dave!

Watch this show

I'm on day 2 of TV-free redux since I wasn't exactly successful last time. But I'm fantasizing about the shows I'm missing.

Here's one I wholeheartedly recommend: Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares
Gordon Ramsay comes across as an evil asshole on his American show. On this BBC America show, he's firm, a little rude, and he curses like a sailor, but it's clear that he cares about the restaurateurs with whom he works. He wants them to be successful, and sometimes that requires a swift kick in the pants.

So, if you're not trying to kick the TV habit, this is one to watch!

Baskets of eggs

I really, really like Etch. (If you've read this blog in the last two months you already know that.) But we're not exclusive yet, so I'm determined not to keep all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I've already written how I'm so scared of liking him this much. I figure if I continue to see other people, it won't be so devastating if things don't work out. All of my eggs won't get broken at once.

Enter Officer Do-Right. I met him at Starbucks on Friday afternoon. He came in with his daughter. I made a mental note of his attractiveness, but figured he was married. As I was leaving he pulled his car next to mine and asked if he could talk to me. Turns out he's unattached. We went out Friday night, Sunday afternoon, and Sunday night. He's very intelligent. We had some good, deep conversations, though sometimes I had to tell him to lighten up a little. His kisses were good, though I had to ask him to dry them up some.

He's asked me three times to join him and his daughter for dinner at his place. I have declined. Tonight I told him that I'm not comfortable being around his daughter. He was very quiet. I asked if that bothers him and he said it does. He ended the call quickly after that. I'm not sure what will happen now. The ball is in his court. I had to be honest, though. His daughter's at the age that is my least favorite, and I think it's way too early to meet her regardless.

I've enjoyed spending time with him, and I'd like to see more of him if he can get past my reluctance to date his daughter. If he can't, then I may have to find another spare basket.

TV-free

This is going to be a TV-free weekend. I've got to finish The Year of Magical Thinking for Monday night's book club. I just started it last night. If I keep the TV off, I know I can finish it.

You know, I don't really have any "must-see, can't miss" shows. Most of the time, I'm just channel surfing and letting my brain turn to mush. And I'm paying $50 a month for the privilege! Doesn't make sense, I know. But, there are some shows I enjoy, and everyone's brain needs a rest now and then, right?

So, here I go. I'm turning it off right now. No, really. Yes, that is an episode of The Wayans Bros. that I've never seen. Too bad. I'm turning it off anyway. Okay, pick up the remote. Do it. Go ahead. *Click*

Gee, it's quiet in here.

Past the point of no return

I had a five hour phone conversation with Etch last night. It was mostly good, but there was a long discussion of his last relationship which was a little uncomfortable. I'm scared because it ended pretty recently. I don't want to be the rebound girl. I like him so much. I don't want to get hurt.

I woke up terrified this morning. I realized that I have thrown away a lot of guys recently. I was always looking for the first screw up so I could dump them fast. Some of them didn't even make it to the first date. I realized Etch has snuck up on me, and I'm past that "throwing away" point. I'm scared about his last relationship, but there's nothing I can, or want to, do about it. On one hand, I don't want to overlook something important, but on the other hand, I think I'm enjoying spending time with him so much that I won't regret it if things do eventually go wrong. I would be disappointed of course, but I don't think I'll feel like I made a mistake in continuing to see him.

I'm just so afraid of the feelings I have for him. They are scary, yet exciting. It has been a very long time since I've felt this way about someone -- like if he were to do something that upset me, I wouldn't just stop taking his phone calls; we'd actually talk about it and try to work things out. That's a scary thought. He actually means something to me now. It was clear in early parts of the conversation last night that he likes me a lot too. He's told me a couple of times that he adores me. The number of times he calls me has increased considerably.

It's going to be okay. I'm having a great time with him. Even the things that scare me add to the excitement. And I honestly wouldn't change a thing.